I got married 2 days before my man got deployed. My parents were in a different state so they could not attend. It was a fast decision and we wanted to get married before he left. My mother is dealing with this extremely hard. She doesn't know my husband that well and she feels like she is loosing me to a stranger. How can you explain a deployment to your mother? How can you explain something that can only Truly be understood by the one that deals with it each day? I feel stretched as it is with work, school and now a mother that wants to break up a marriage.Husband is deployed and my mother feels like she is loosing her best friend?
Explain to her that this is the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, and that you need her support of your decision. She will create a lot of stress and tension for you if she does not. Deployments are hard on both the servicemember and the one left at home; her lack of support makes it even worse.
I had a similar situation when I married interracially. My father was very opposed to it at first, but over the last year came to understand that it was my decision, not his, and he could either accept her as my wife or risk losing me as his son.Husband is deployed and my mother feels like she is loosing her best friend?
If you and your mother have been close throughout, then she's feel particularly hurt by you getting married without her being present. You can explain to her that it was a spur of the moment thing, and possibly have some sort of a gathering, family party or something upon your husband return. That way he can meet the family and they can get to know him better.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
My Trini People!?
Remember what it was like when T.V. used to sign off?
Remember watching the last few minutes of signed off T.V. waiting for
Sesame
Street to begin?
Remember when one T.V. channel was all you needed, and a remote was
unheard
of and you used to be happy when yuh picking up channel nine?
Remember when Dominic Kalipersad was the man on TV from 7pm and you used
to
wish news was never a show?
Remember when Judy Alcantara and Allyson Hennesey used to come on the TV
every day around lunch time?
What about de weatherman Robin Maharaj?
Remember when Channel 6 come on de air, how that was like the biggest
thing
on TV?
Remember when a Donkey Kong or an Atari game was cool?
Remember when chicken and chips was Kentucky and you always wanted a
Kentucky kids pack to get a Jo Jo dollar?
Remember pitchin' marbles, pickin' mangoes, peltin' stones, shooting
caps
guns, checkin' guavas for worms, flyin' kite, lightin' flambo, bussin
bamboo, runnin' races?
Remember home work?
Remember when as soon as you reach on the beach you want to run in de
water
fast fast? Remember when yuh wanted to see how deep yuh could dig a hole
in
de sand and if you could reach water?
Remember when walking arm in arm (sober) with a guy wasn't gay?
Remember when it was no big deal to kiss your father and your mother's
lipstick stayed on your face for the whole day of school? (Fuh real with
the
lipstick ****!!)
Remember Alladin lunch kits and Trinpad copy books that had the national
anthem and ';I solemnly pledge'; on the inside cover?
Remember snakes and ladders, ludo, chinese checkers, go to pack, suck
the
well, rounders, red light green light one two three, I spy, scooch and,
kiss
catch- girls catch the boys (never wanted to get caught, but deep inside
wanted to get kissed).
Remember Star Wars, Buck Rogers, Star Trek, MacGyver, Equaliser, Simon
and
Simon, Super Friends, the adventures of Batman and Robin, Teen Talent,
Scouting for Talent, Twelve and Under, pick a pan in Mastana Bahar, No
Boundaries, Turn of the Tide.
What about Ralph Maharaj in Cross Country?
Remember Wendell Constantine in Party Time? G-Force, Terror Hawks, Super
Gran, Star Fleet, He-Man, Street Hawk, Fall Guys. A-Team, even the old
people shows like Knots Landing, Falcon Crest and JR and Bobby in Dallas
and
as much as I hate to admit it- Circle Square? (I used to love Circle
Square
J)
What about when Kiskidee Caravan was the biggest concert out. Dan it up,
Shot call, Ambush and Edoo Edoo pom pom. (bloy bloy)
Remember when an RX 7 was de coolest car. When yuh see a black RX 7 it
was
always de Knight Rider car. What about those Knight Rider lights?
Remember when Cinema was the big lime, south people remember going
Gulf City to go in de cinema upstairs?
Remember when Chinese Laundry dub tapes or rhythm nation, Dr Hyde was
most
wanted. Remember when Papa Rocky was a big time DJ?
Remember when de only soca tune yu liked was ';Dey say ah too young for
soca,
oy yoo yoyy dey making joke'; and roll up de tassa, and Sparrow's never
eat a
white meat yet. Oh gawdd, what about bump and wine?
Wait Wait, what about Nelson's Soca Daddy (She fall and ... she uh uh)?
Remember when the only two ladies you knew who used to sing Calypso was
Denyse Plummer and Drupatee? Never did you think ayyy we going to see a
sexy
woman on stage! (That is just wrong)
What about acid wash or stone wash jeans or hood tops with Malcolm X on
it?
(cyah cyah, fuh real!)
Girls what about jeans with all dem fancy patches on it and yuh wearing
big
belt too and shoes with fancy colour lacing?
Remember when shorts for girls used to reach all by they knee and you
would
be like ';she looking nice';?
What about Rikki Tikki and Uncle Ian who used to draw all kind of lines
and
say this is the sun and that is the forest? Remember shouting
';HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!'; into d TV believing with all your heart that d Rikki
Tikki in-studio audience could hear you???? LOL!!!!
Remember when goin Intercol was the biggest lime after school? Either
yuh
looking to go Skinner Park or in de Stadium.
What about those two to eight limes? Or when hanging by the video arcade
was
cool?
What about the Penal Convent bazaars or the Fatima College dances?
(Dread!
Fuh real! May Fiesta.)
Remember when going in the direction after Hilton was like going on some
hike in some weird area? Never heard about Coconuts then?
The only reason you going around the savannah was to go in the zoo or by
de
botanic gardens.
Remember wanting to catch the maxi with the biggest sounds?
Remember when ';race'; was a word used to describe a running competition,
';colour'; was used to describe yuh water paints or yuh drawing book and
religion was remembering the ';our father'; and ';thank you for the food we
eat';?
Remember when a fight was a few hard cuff and ended with a simple sorry?
Remember when disease was the cold, starvation was a belly ache, a cold
drink was a big red, a solo or a tall pepsi and how high you got
depended on
who was pushing the swings?
Remember when the Prime Minister was just a name in Social Studies and
politics was just a word in your spelling book? (Remember the Students
Companion????)
Remember when guns were full of water and knives were made of plastic?
Do you remember....... my Trini people?My Trini People!?
I think we were born in the same decade...I remember all those things and more.
Remember Intercol (CIC, we want a goal!)
For TV shows - don't forget Meditation and Sugar Cane Arrows (with chunkalounks David Rudder!)
Remember Machel Montano in a diaper and with a giant baby bottle (dey say ah too young to soca..)
Remember singing all dem parang songs and not knowing what the hell you were singing about (que rede, que rede, la Pascualidad...)
Thanks for the memories!My Trini People!?
Me an You is probly from d same times becus I rember all dat. Do you remember all that broken language the old folks use to speak. Eh! Times certainly have changed. How about that song ';bring back d ole time days'; by Nappy Meyers. I wish those days were really back. Long ago use to be so... its unexplainable. Even as I write this now I feel butterflies in my stomach. Thanks for the returned memories.
yah my moms from trinidad n she told me stories about tht........
Fuh real. Trinidad has changed a lot since then.
i do
Yes to all. It's nice to hear from another Trini on this website. Drop me a line.honeymoon cabin rental
Remember watching the last few minutes of signed off T.V. waiting for
Sesame
Street to begin?
Remember when one T.V. channel was all you needed, and a remote was
unheard
of and you used to be happy when yuh picking up channel nine?
Remember when Dominic Kalipersad was the man on TV from 7pm and you used
to
wish news was never a show?
Remember when Judy Alcantara and Allyson Hennesey used to come on the TV
every day around lunch time?
What about de weatherman Robin Maharaj?
Remember when Channel 6 come on de air, how that was like the biggest
thing
on TV?
Remember when a Donkey Kong or an Atari game was cool?
Remember when chicken and chips was Kentucky and you always wanted a
Kentucky kids pack to get a Jo Jo dollar?
Remember pitchin' marbles, pickin' mangoes, peltin' stones, shooting
caps
guns, checkin' guavas for worms, flyin' kite, lightin' flambo, bussin
bamboo, runnin' races?
Remember home work?
Remember when as soon as you reach on the beach you want to run in de
water
fast fast? Remember when yuh wanted to see how deep yuh could dig a hole
in
de sand and if you could reach water?
Remember when walking arm in arm (sober) with a guy wasn't gay?
Remember when it was no big deal to kiss your father and your mother's
lipstick stayed on your face for the whole day of school? (Fuh real with
the
lipstick ****!!)
Remember Alladin lunch kits and Trinpad copy books that had the national
anthem and ';I solemnly pledge'; on the inside cover?
Remember snakes and ladders, ludo, chinese checkers, go to pack, suck
the
well, rounders, red light green light one two three, I spy, scooch and,
kiss
catch- girls catch the boys (never wanted to get caught, but deep inside
wanted to get kissed).
Remember Star Wars, Buck Rogers, Star Trek, MacGyver, Equaliser, Simon
and
Simon, Super Friends, the adventures of Batman and Robin, Teen Talent,
Scouting for Talent, Twelve and Under, pick a pan in Mastana Bahar, No
Boundaries, Turn of the Tide.
What about Ralph Maharaj in Cross Country?
Remember Wendell Constantine in Party Time? G-Force, Terror Hawks, Super
Gran, Star Fleet, He-Man, Street Hawk, Fall Guys. A-Team, even the old
people shows like Knots Landing, Falcon Crest and JR and Bobby in Dallas
and
as much as I hate to admit it- Circle Square? (I used to love Circle
Square
J)
What about when Kiskidee Caravan was the biggest concert out. Dan it up,
Shot call, Ambush and Edoo Edoo pom pom. (bloy bloy)
Remember when an RX 7 was de coolest car. When yuh see a black RX 7 it
was
always de Knight Rider car. What about those Knight Rider lights?
Remember when Cinema was the big lime, south people remember going
Gulf City to go in de cinema upstairs?
Remember when Chinese Laundry dub tapes or rhythm nation, Dr Hyde was
most
wanted. Remember when Papa Rocky was a big time DJ?
Remember when de only soca tune yu liked was ';Dey say ah too young for
soca,
oy yoo yoyy dey making joke'; and roll up de tassa, and Sparrow's never
eat a
white meat yet. Oh gawdd, what about bump and wine?
Wait Wait, what about Nelson's Soca Daddy (She fall and ... she uh uh)?
Remember when the only two ladies you knew who used to sing Calypso was
Denyse Plummer and Drupatee? Never did you think ayyy we going to see a
sexy
woman on stage! (That is just wrong)
What about acid wash or stone wash jeans or hood tops with Malcolm X on
it?
(cyah cyah, fuh real!)
Girls what about jeans with all dem fancy patches on it and yuh wearing
big
belt too and shoes with fancy colour lacing?
Remember when shorts for girls used to reach all by they knee and you
would
be like ';she looking nice';?
What about Rikki Tikki and Uncle Ian who used to draw all kind of lines
and
say this is the sun and that is the forest? Remember shouting
';HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!'; into d TV believing with all your heart that d Rikki
Tikki in-studio audience could hear you???? LOL!!!!
Remember when goin Intercol was the biggest lime after school? Either
yuh
looking to go Skinner Park or in de Stadium.
What about those two to eight limes? Or when hanging by the video arcade
was
cool?
What about the Penal Convent bazaars or the Fatima College dances?
(Dread!
Fuh real! May Fiesta.)
Remember when going in the direction after Hilton was like going on some
hike in some weird area? Never heard about Coconuts then?
The only reason you going around the savannah was to go in the zoo or by
de
botanic gardens.
Remember wanting to catch the maxi with the biggest sounds?
Remember when ';race'; was a word used to describe a running competition,
';colour'; was used to describe yuh water paints or yuh drawing book and
religion was remembering the ';our father'; and ';thank you for the food we
eat';?
Remember when a fight was a few hard cuff and ended with a simple sorry?
Remember when disease was the cold, starvation was a belly ache, a cold
drink was a big red, a solo or a tall pepsi and how high you got
depended on
who was pushing the swings?
Remember when the Prime Minister was just a name in Social Studies and
politics was just a word in your spelling book? (Remember the Students
Companion????)
Remember when guns were full of water and knives were made of plastic?
Do you remember....... my Trini people?My Trini People!?
I think we were born in the same decade...I remember all those things and more.
Remember Intercol (CIC, we want a goal!)
For TV shows - don't forget Meditation and Sugar Cane Arrows (with chunkalounks David Rudder!)
Remember Machel Montano in a diaper and with a giant baby bottle (dey say ah too young to soca..)
Remember singing all dem parang songs and not knowing what the hell you were singing about (que rede, que rede, la Pascualidad...)
Thanks for the memories!My Trini People!?
Me an You is probly from d same times becus I rember all dat. Do you remember all that broken language the old folks use to speak. Eh! Times certainly have changed. How about that song ';bring back d ole time days'; by Nappy Meyers. I wish those days were really back. Long ago use to be so... its unexplainable. Even as I write this now I feel butterflies in my stomach. Thanks for the returned memories.
yah my moms from trinidad n she told me stories about tht........
Fuh real. Trinidad has changed a lot since then.
i do
Yes to all. It's nice to hear from another Trini on this website. Drop me a line.
POLL: Deal For Shawn Johnson - WOULD YOU TAKE IT?
DEAL:
You have to Run for 24 hours straight in one day NON STOP, you cannot go under 5 mph at any time during the 24 hour period (only the second or two it takes to reach 5 mph).
If at any time you stop or go under 5 mph someone punches your mother in the face and the deal is off.
If you succeed in this challenge, you will get an entire 24 hour period of just you and Shawn Johnson alone.
she will not have any information on how you got this 24 hour period alone with her, nor will she question how you got this time with her, it will all just make sense to her no questions asked.
Keep in mind she will be in her normal state of mind and have no predisposed opinions of you
It is up to you what you do with her, all state laws (you pick the state US only) and regulations apply.
All this is is opportunity, if you're an intriguing individual or a smooth talker or just a main man, then you'll probably fare well with her assuming you will try to court her as would I.
SO,
Would You Take This Deal?POLL: Deal For Shawn Johnson - WOULD YOU TAKE IT?
Ok i probably would not take the challenge just because my mother would get punched the whole 24 hours. But if I did however complete this deal I would just talk to her for most of the day and see where it gets if you catch my drift. I would choose one of those southern states that allow marriage to young people (like alabama)POLL: Deal For Shawn Johnson - WOULD YOU TAKE IT?
She's just a kid.
this is an awkward question
I'ts just a boy
Well Shawn is too young for me...
But I'd sure like to get down with Nastia Liukin. She is hotter in my opinion too.
However, I would not try that run just because I get along really well with my mom and I don't want her getting hurt or **** like that.
Well thats hard.. but i will do it too meet Michael Phelps =]
BTW: Im not GAY =]
If i could run that long without dying, hell yeah
Oh and the legal age in WA state is 16 :)
If i could last i would
No because I dont find Shawn Johnson that fascinating. I live in Iowa so I see her all the time on TV....are you obsessed with her?
No but for michael phelps i would!
Isn't that a felony?
How do you deal with parents that hate your spouse despite a number of attempts to work things out?Any ideas?
Six months ago it become apparent that my parents, more so my mom had a real dislike for my wife. After many conversations with my wife I finally convinced her that we needed to both take babysitting and daycare previlages away as both my mom and dad watched our kids, but also confront them about this. This did not go well at all and after a month we finally convince them to seek counseling with us. After four counseling sessions it became obvious that my mother never respected or liked my wife for nothing more than being who she is. My wife is a loving and caring person to both me and our kids and I am lucky to have her. Thus, I would not stand for this treatment and decided that unless my parents want to treat my wife with respect that we would not have a relationship with them. I do feel sad that it has come to this, especially because our kids are missing time with their Grandparents. However, certian things in life cannot be comprmised and this is one of them.How do you deal with parents that hate your spouse despite a number of attempts to work things out?Any ideas?
You deal with it exactly how you did. I commend you for not subjecting your wife to abuse. So many men choose their parents over their wives that it is sickening. They are little boys who cannot cut the cord or are they ready for a man-woman relationship. You gave your mother every chance to be reasonable and she turned it down. Maybe this decision will wake her up. Some people though never learn and think life is all about them and no one else. Sad but it happens. Your wife is also lucky to have you.How do you deal with parents that hate your spouse despite a number of attempts to work things out?Any ideas?
just see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas...sorry ive been there and my former mominlaw grew to love me fianlly and now here i have another new one who is even nicer!
I think you did a wonderful thing. I know it hurts to turn your back to your parents, but your wife and children deserve to be treated well. I love seeing true men and women like you. Good luck.
Dam baby that is cold........... But you did the right thing your wife is very lucky to have you most men would cower to there mothers
You are so wise. Good job protecting your wife. Kudos!
My mother-inlaw wasn't crazy about me either. Hubby had our phone number changed and wouldn't give it to her for a very long time until she straightened up.
Again, good job!
I think you did the right thing! I know it is hard, I don't allow my kids anywhere near my mom (for different reasons) and my husband's mom is passed. And we both have strained relationships with our fathers. so, I know the whole feeling down about them not having the grandparents in their lives. But, your family now, is your wife and your kids. And, they come first no matter what. It sounds like you know that! I have to applaud you because not many men would stick up for their wife that way. You sound like a VERY good man!
I feel bad for you and your wife, but I think you have done the right thing for now. Can your parents be more specific about why they don't like your wife? Maybe they heard some gossip about her that is wrong and you can correct their misperception. Even if they hate your wife, they should realize that this is the woman you love and she is the mother of your children. They need to learn to be tolerant of her and at the very least treat her with respect. and if they cant, they will suffer in the end as they will lose your respect as their sone and they will not develop a loving relationship with their grandchildren. Best wishes.
you need to talk to your parents and explain to them the way you feel! my mom does'nt really like my husband because of the things that he's done to me in the past ,but she gets along with him for my kids and i!! that's part of being a parent! however your part in this is to get over it and accept that your mom does'nt like your wife and she's prolly not ever going to and more than likely she has a reason behind it even if you don't know what that reason may be! you have to be the bigger person and allow your children to see their grandparents!!!!!! it is NOT the kids fault that all have problems and by keeping the kids away from the grandparents it is hurting your kids more than you know and believe me when i say they will see this when they get older!!!!! change things before it is too late!! that's your mom,dad,wife ,and kids! be the peace maker even if you can't make everyone like eachother try to get them to get along for the kids and if everyone loves the kids they will!
Kudos to you for standing up for your wife! From what you've said, it sounds like your parents need to step up to the plate. You mentioned ';more so my mom';.. perhaps speaking to your Dad alone will shed some light on how he feels. Maybe he can be the go between to convince your Mom that she needs to accept your wife and family. If counseling has not mended the fences between you and your parents, maybe time and space will. Allow some time to pass which may show your Mom that she is truly missing out. I think your situation is sad and you have handled it well, despite the fact that you had to make a choice between parents and wife. You definitely made the right choice.
I do not know how far they go to being disrespectful. But I WAS in the same shoes. I felt looked down on everytime I turned around. I felt I was never good enough. .It was very noticeable in front of others as well. We have had words and arguments.
Theres nothing you can do, but stick by your wife and stand up for her when needed. You don't know how much it means to her when you stand by her. I know it is hard having a parent be against your spouse. I saw the pain in my husbands eyes one too many times.
There was a lite at the end of my tunnel. Something happened to my husband where he was in the hospital and I saw a complete change in my inlaws towards me. I am so grateful we are bonding after 14 years we are JUST now really bonding.
I would not take away the grandkids. I have 3 of my own. I would have never wanted to cause them heartache. the children have done nothing wrong and deserve their grand parents just as much as the grand parents deserve the children. I know its hard, I know the pain. I was that wife at one time and I was angry, and hurt. But we have to be the adults. I pray that there will be a light for both of you on the matter.
Look at it this way. One day at a time. don't stoop to their level. chin up! love your mother,but love your wife more and stand by her.
You did the right thing. Sorry it's painful. Your immediate family is the priority, and your wife and kids are very lucky that you are such a good husband and dad... (Not a suckup mama's boy)
I had the same problem with my kids grandmother. I would suggest still having the kids send holiday, birthday cards and pictures. It teaches the kids to be bigger people, and shows you are teaching them manners. Also, let them know they are ALWAYS welcome if they are pleasant and cordial to the entire family, that you are a family unit.
Hopefully, they will break down when they get older. If the kids ask what's going on, just say something benign like 'they're busy but they're always welcome here.'
Usually kids are pretty self-absorbed and that will suffice. When my kids became teenagers, they kind of figured it out, but at that point, they were okay with it. They loved them, accept them for their limitations, were happy with their infrequent birthday cards, and limited contact and weren't hurt or angry.
It's the best you can do with what you got.
Good luck.
I agree with your actions in protecting your wife-great job there. However, it sounds as if your kids have an ongoing relationship with your parents that you've yanked away. I was in the same position as your wife. It isn't fair to the kids to cut their relationship off because you four cannot come to an agreement. I'd still let them see the kids because the children need that relationship with them-unless of course they are behaving badly with the children (saying inappropriate things about mom, etc). And, not for daycare and babysitting-those are your privileges that they give to you, not you to them. Visiting with the kids are their own time as they request is a privilege that you give to your parents-don't confuse the two. Ultimately, your mom will probably want to come to a resolution because she'll want to see you. It sounds as if she is having jealousy issues with your wife (wife isn't good enough but cannot give a definite reason why). My m-in-law was a jealous woman who would rather see my husband than my kids. She treated me horribly. When he cut the cord and said there would be no more visits with him (she could still see the kids), she straightened up. It took her awhile and she tried to trick him into visits, but he stood his ground.
Cut off contact with them.You said it best at the end. Certain things cannot be compromised. Congratulations for standing by your wife and respecting her. Your children will live well even though they will not see their grandparents, don't worry. In fact you wouldnt want them near them to pick up the toxic vibes, would you? You need reassurance that you are doing the right thing and I guarantee you , you are. This is quite prevalent unfortunately as I read on this site, that mothers of boys simply wont get over who they choose as a wife. It is sad but very basic and almost sub conscious act. PLEASE start a new life without them and more importantly, feel good about it, like you did the right thing. You are a fine man protecting your little family and I wish you the best. Years from now, although you will always have a sad feeling about the fact of what could have been, you will still know that it was not your fault and you did all that you could. The counseling was over and above what you should have had to do with your time and money.
Best wishes.
you have to choose, parents or spouse. You should try viewing form your parents place and see what they are talking about first. You may have to just see them on holidays without him and he will go to his family
:\
Good for you!! You love your wife very much. She is a great wife and a great mother. The problem lies with your parents. We don't get to pick who our parents are. We are stuck with them. But we do get to pick who we marry and love for the rest of your lives together. Focus on your wife and children and be happy. Life is too short to be angry and misserable. Love your wife and don't expose her to them anymore. Eventually they may talk badly about your wife to your children. We don't want that.
You know your wife, you said that she's loving and caring. It is very possible that you parents or your mother are jealous of your relationship. She, of coarse was the first woman you ever loved ya know. It sounds like they still can't let go of their little boy who is now a grown man. Them being disrespectful to your wife also includes them being disrespectful to you. Don't they trust that they raised a man who can make good decisions, which included the partner you chose for life? It sounds like you have tried to mend fences with them and it is hurtful that they don't see the beauty in your wife like you do. You will have to come to terms with this, but as far as your children go, if your parents refrain from bashing their mother in front of them, I wouldn't take the kids away from their grandparents. All of them need that relationship especially if your parents love your kids and your kids love them. Kids can never be leverage when adults can't get along.
Continue to love your wife and understand that parents can't always be what we need them to be. Enjoy your life that you've made together and try to forgive your parents for their ignorance. Forgiving doesn't mean that you accept their behavior, it just means that it will help you sleep better at night and know that you've done all you can do to make things right. But if they truly love your children, care for your children and don't harm them by insulting your wife in front of them, please let them continue the relationship. But, tell your parents that in front of the children, they have to be nice to your wife. If they can't do that, then consider your children not seeing your parents.
Good luck and continue loving your wife like you do. They should be grateful that you found someone that makes you happy and complements your life.
I have to ask, there is a difference between respect and liking, did they show respect at all? I know my parents weren't really crazy about my choice of husband but they always were respectful of him and our relationship. It took several years for a liking to grow between them. Seeing us still happy 15 years later has helped with that liking a ton.
You're right to demand respect for your wife and she's lucky to have a husband who does that. Much more than that may take time.
Have you said anything to your parents about your wife prior to getting married. Something that may have set in motion your parents dislike for her, I know there are people who hate their in laws for all kind of irrational reasons but sometimes the dislikes are valid . My mother tried to get along with my sils always treated them with respect always welcomed them in her home. She did voice her concerns to my bros only when they revealed information about them like them having a kid no one knew about or an ex husband calling them telling them not to marry that broad, stuff that we wouldn't know unless they gave the information. When my bros. would call and talk to my mother about troubles they were having in the marriage yes of course she would give advice but it only with the information they would give her. It got to a point my mom didn't want to hear it anymore yet she was labeled mil from hell, Now the relationship is strained and she's not hasn't spoken to my sil in about 3yrs which effected the relationship with my nephew. Don't get me wrong if they can't get along don't have your wife around them but be very careful about banning the grandkids from your parents as long as they are not bad mouthing their mother in front of them then don't destroy that relationship. I've seen it up close that my mother is hurt though she tries not to show it.finance Fish
You deal with it exactly how you did. I commend you for not subjecting your wife to abuse. So many men choose their parents over their wives that it is sickening. They are little boys who cannot cut the cord or are they ready for a man-woman relationship. You gave your mother every chance to be reasonable and she turned it down. Maybe this decision will wake her up. Some people though never learn and think life is all about them and no one else. Sad but it happens. Your wife is also lucky to have you.How do you deal with parents that hate your spouse despite a number of attempts to work things out?Any ideas?
just see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas...sorry ive been there and my former mominlaw grew to love me fianlly and now here i have another new one who is even nicer!
I think you did a wonderful thing. I know it hurts to turn your back to your parents, but your wife and children deserve to be treated well. I love seeing true men and women like you. Good luck.
Dam baby that is cold........... But you did the right thing your wife is very lucky to have you most men would cower to there mothers
You are so wise. Good job protecting your wife. Kudos!
My mother-inlaw wasn't crazy about me either. Hubby had our phone number changed and wouldn't give it to her for a very long time until she straightened up.
Again, good job!
I think you did the right thing! I know it is hard, I don't allow my kids anywhere near my mom (for different reasons) and my husband's mom is passed. And we both have strained relationships with our fathers. so, I know the whole feeling down about them not having the grandparents in their lives. But, your family now, is your wife and your kids. And, they come first no matter what. It sounds like you know that! I have to applaud you because not many men would stick up for their wife that way. You sound like a VERY good man!
I feel bad for you and your wife, but I think you have done the right thing for now. Can your parents be more specific about why they don't like your wife? Maybe they heard some gossip about her that is wrong and you can correct their misperception. Even if they hate your wife, they should realize that this is the woman you love and she is the mother of your children. They need to learn to be tolerant of her and at the very least treat her with respect. and if they cant, they will suffer in the end as they will lose your respect as their sone and they will not develop a loving relationship with their grandchildren. Best wishes.
you need to talk to your parents and explain to them the way you feel! my mom does'nt really like my husband because of the things that he's done to me in the past ,but she gets along with him for my kids and i!! that's part of being a parent! however your part in this is to get over it and accept that your mom does'nt like your wife and she's prolly not ever going to and more than likely she has a reason behind it even if you don't know what that reason may be! you have to be the bigger person and allow your children to see their grandparents!!!!!! it is NOT the kids fault that all have problems and by keeping the kids away from the grandparents it is hurting your kids more than you know and believe me when i say they will see this when they get older!!!!! change things before it is too late!! that's your mom,dad,wife ,and kids! be the peace maker even if you can't make everyone like eachother try to get them to get along for the kids and if everyone loves the kids they will!
Kudos to you for standing up for your wife! From what you've said, it sounds like your parents need to step up to the plate. You mentioned ';more so my mom';.. perhaps speaking to your Dad alone will shed some light on how he feels. Maybe he can be the go between to convince your Mom that she needs to accept your wife and family. If counseling has not mended the fences between you and your parents, maybe time and space will. Allow some time to pass which may show your Mom that she is truly missing out. I think your situation is sad and you have handled it well, despite the fact that you had to make a choice between parents and wife. You definitely made the right choice.
I do not know how far they go to being disrespectful. But I WAS in the same shoes. I felt looked down on everytime I turned around. I felt I was never good enough. .It was very noticeable in front of others as well. We have had words and arguments.
Theres nothing you can do, but stick by your wife and stand up for her when needed. You don't know how much it means to her when you stand by her. I know it is hard having a parent be against your spouse. I saw the pain in my husbands eyes one too many times.
There was a lite at the end of my tunnel. Something happened to my husband where he was in the hospital and I saw a complete change in my inlaws towards me. I am so grateful we are bonding after 14 years we are JUST now really bonding.
I would not take away the grandkids. I have 3 of my own. I would have never wanted to cause them heartache. the children have done nothing wrong and deserve their grand parents just as much as the grand parents deserve the children. I know its hard, I know the pain. I was that wife at one time and I was angry, and hurt. But we have to be the adults. I pray that there will be a light for both of you on the matter.
Look at it this way. One day at a time. don't stoop to their level. chin up! love your mother,but love your wife more and stand by her.
You did the right thing. Sorry it's painful. Your immediate family is the priority, and your wife and kids are very lucky that you are such a good husband and dad... (Not a suckup mama's boy)
I had the same problem with my kids grandmother. I would suggest still having the kids send holiday, birthday cards and pictures. It teaches the kids to be bigger people, and shows you are teaching them manners. Also, let them know they are ALWAYS welcome if they are pleasant and cordial to the entire family, that you are a family unit.
Hopefully, they will break down when they get older. If the kids ask what's going on, just say something benign like 'they're busy but they're always welcome here.'
Usually kids are pretty self-absorbed and that will suffice. When my kids became teenagers, they kind of figured it out, but at that point, they were okay with it. They loved them, accept them for their limitations, were happy with their infrequent birthday cards, and limited contact and weren't hurt or angry.
It's the best you can do with what you got.
Good luck.
I agree with your actions in protecting your wife-great job there. However, it sounds as if your kids have an ongoing relationship with your parents that you've yanked away. I was in the same position as your wife. It isn't fair to the kids to cut their relationship off because you four cannot come to an agreement. I'd still let them see the kids because the children need that relationship with them-unless of course they are behaving badly with the children (saying inappropriate things about mom, etc). And, not for daycare and babysitting-those are your privileges that they give to you, not you to them. Visiting with the kids are their own time as they request is a privilege that you give to your parents-don't confuse the two. Ultimately, your mom will probably want to come to a resolution because she'll want to see you. It sounds as if she is having jealousy issues with your wife (wife isn't good enough but cannot give a definite reason why). My m-in-law was a jealous woman who would rather see my husband than my kids. She treated me horribly. When he cut the cord and said there would be no more visits with him (she could still see the kids), she straightened up. It took her awhile and she tried to trick him into visits, but he stood his ground.
Cut off contact with them.You said it best at the end. Certain things cannot be compromised. Congratulations for standing by your wife and respecting her. Your children will live well even though they will not see their grandparents, don't worry. In fact you wouldnt want them near them to pick up the toxic vibes, would you? You need reassurance that you are doing the right thing and I guarantee you , you are. This is quite prevalent unfortunately as I read on this site, that mothers of boys simply wont get over who they choose as a wife. It is sad but very basic and almost sub conscious act. PLEASE start a new life without them and more importantly, feel good about it, like you did the right thing. You are a fine man protecting your little family and I wish you the best. Years from now, although you will always have a sad feeling about the fact of what could have been, you will still know that it was not your fault and you did all that you could. The counseling was over and above what you should have had to do with your time and money.
Best wishes.
you have to choose, parents or spouse. You should try viewing form your parents place and see what they are talking about first. You may have to just see them on holidays without him and he will go to his family
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Good for you!! You love your wife very much. She is a great wife and a great mother. The problem lies with your parents. We don't get to pick who our parents are. We are stuck with them. But we do get to pick who we marry and love for the rest of your lives together. Focus on your wife and children and be happy. Life is too short to be angry and misserable. Love your wife and don't expose her to them anymore. Eventually they may talk badly about your wife to your children. We don't want that.
You know your wife, you said that she's loving and caring. It is very possible that you parents or your mother are jealous of your relationship. She, of coarse was the first woman you ever loved ya know. It sounds like they still can't let go of their little boy who is now a grown man. Them being disrespectful to your wife also includes them being disrespectful to you. Don't they trust that they raised a man who can make good decisions, which included the partner you chose for life? It sounds like you have tried to mend fences with them and it is hurtful that they don't see the beauty in your wife like you do. You will have to come to terms with this, but as far as your children go, if your parents refrain from bashing their mother in front of them, I wouldn't take the kids away from their grandparents. All of them need that relationship especially if your parents love your kids and your kids love them. Kids can never be leverage when adults can't get along.
Continue to love your wife and understand that parents can't always be what we need them to be. Enjoy your life that you've made together and try to forgive your parents for their ignorance. Forgiving doesn't mean that you accept their behavior, it just means that it will help you sleep better at night and know that you've done all you can do to make things right. But if they truly love your children, care for your children and don't harm them by insulting your wife in front of them, please let them continue the relationship. But, tell your parents that in front of the children, they have to be nice to your wife. If they can't do that, then consider your children not seeing your parents.
Good luck and continue loving your wife like you do. They should be grateful that you found someone that makes you happy and complements your life.
I have to ask, there is a difference between respect and liking, did they show respect at all? I know my parents weren't really crazy about my choice of husband but they always were respectful of him and our relationship. It took several years for a liking to grow between them. Seeing us still happy 15 years later has helped with that liking a ton.
You're right to demand respect for your wife and she's lucky to have a husband who does that. Much more than that may take time.
Have you said anything to your parents about your wife prior to getting married. Something that may have set in motion your parents dislike for her, I know there are people who hate their in laws for all kind of irrational reasons but sometimes the dislikes are valid . My mother tried to get along with my sils always treated them with respect always welcomed them in her home. She did voice her concerns to my bros only when they revealed information about them like them having a kid no one knew about or an ex husband calling them telling them not to marry that broad, stuff that we wouldn't know unless they gave the information. When my bros. would call and talk to my mother about troubles they were having in the marriage yes of course she would give advice but it only with the information they would give her. It got to a point my mom didn't want to hear it anymore yet she was labeled mil from hell, Now the relationship is strained and she's not hasn't spoken to my sil in about 3yrs which effected the relationship with my nephew. Don't get me wrong if they can't get along don't have your wife around them but be very careful about banning the grandkids from your parents as long as they are not bad mouthing their mother in front of them then don't destroy that relationship. I've seen it up close that my mother is hurt though she tries not to show it.
Advice on dealing with my mother?
Background: I'm half-Viet, half-White. I'm a junior in college (I live in an apartment nearby.) My parents were divorced when I was young. I lived with my mom but Saturdays and other random days I'd hang out with my dad. I'd ask my dad but he passed away in January of 06. I pay for everything (room/board/bills/school), either through inheritance, loans, scholarships or financial aid.
Since junior year of HS I've had problems with her and they've continued to escalate. We fight mostly over criticisms (they include not dressing up 'girly,' losing weight, my supposed 'laziness,' my 'dependence' and 'lying'). Most of what she levels have no grounds. When I show evidence to the contrary she just says, ';No. No. You must listen me! I'm your mother.'; I know there is a culture difference, so I've tried many ways to get her to understand: letters (she read 1 sentence), calm conversation, ignoring and full out arguing. Any ideas on how I can get her to hear me out?Advice on dealing with my mother?
No she is not going to change. Soon you will be on your own. Time to detach while still honoring her as your mother and being gracious, move on mentally.Advice on dealing with my mother?
Don't waste time aruging with her. Do what you want and you can in your own place.
i think you are fighting a loosing battle
oh boy i have been there i tried eveything to get her to listen then i asked my grandma for help her mom would know excatly how to get her to listen and it worked i took her to a resaurant and she couldnt fight with me in a public place and she couldnt get loud either unless she wanted to embarass herself so i met her there dont tell her what you are doing this for then make your point in the most respectful way and listen to her to dont interup as hard as it may be and she will have to listen and if she still doesnt go to her mom for help if you can or someone close to her that usually always works good luck!!!
okay maybe try this approach..ask your mom if u 2 can talk over a cup of coffee tea etc. my therapist suggested this and it worked for me.start by telling your mom how important she is still in your life, how you still need her help and guidance since she has seen so much and been through so many life experience's and somehow made it through as a strong loving giving person..then say i just wanted to say i feel that i may have inadvertently done or said something to hurt your feelings and would like to do whatever i can to try to correct whatever it maybe..some time's the smallest thong we do can hurt someone and we don't even realize it..but then again you may not have done anything at all...but as long as you keep your mom from feeling ';attacked'; or accused'; of something then she will open up and you 2 should be able to have an open conversation..to get the ball rolling.when both people are on the defense then everyone shuts down and cannot ';HEAR';what the other person is trying to say..make sure you try to start all sentence's with not I feel but DO I make you feel etc..so she feels in a safe place to open up emotionally to you hope this help's bless u and you be proud of yourself your an amazing strong caring person even with all you yourself has been through {mental hug} and good luck smile's
Since junior year of HS I've had problems with her and they've continued to escalate. We fight mostly over criticisms (they include not dressing up 'girly,' losing weight, my supposed 'laziness,' my 'dependence' and 'lying'). Most of what she levels have no grounds. When I show evidence to the contrary she just says, ';No. No. You must listen me! I'm your mother.'; I know there is a culture difference, so I've tried many ways to get her to understand: letters (she read 1 sentence), calm conversation, ignoring and full out arguing. Any ideas on how I can get her to hear me out?Advice on dealing with my mother?
No she is not going to change. Soon you will be on your own. Time to detach while still honoring her as your mother and being gracious, move on mentally.Advice on dealing with my mother?
Don't waste time aruging with her. Do what you want and you can in your own place.
i think you are fighting a loosing battle
oh boy i have been there i tried eveything to get her to listen then i asked my grandma for help her mom would know excatly how to get her to listen and it worked i took her to a resaurant and she couldnt fight with me in a public place and she couldnt get loud either unless she wanted to embarass herself so i met her there dont tell her what you are doing this for then make your point in the most respectful way and listen to her to dont interup as hard as it may be and she will have to listen and if she still doesnt go to her mom for help if you can or someone close to her that usually always works good luck!!!
okay maybe try this approach..ask your mom if u 2 can talk over a cup of coffee tea etc. my therapist suggested this and it worked for me.start by telling your mom how important she is still in your life, how you still need her help and guidance since she has seen so much and been through so many life experience's and somehow made it through as a strong loving giving person..then say i just wanted to say i feel that i may have inadvertently done or said something to hurt your feelings and would like to do whatever i can to try to correct whatever it maybe..some time's the smallest thong we do can hurt someone and we don't even realize it..but then again you may not have done anything at all...but as long as you keep your mom from feeling ';attacked'; or accused'; of something then she will open up and you 2 should be able to have an open conversation..to get the ball rolling.when both people are on the defense then everyone shuts down and cannot ';HEAR';what the other person is trying to say..make sure you try to start all sentence's with not I feel but DO I make you feel etc..so she feels in a safe place to open up emotionally to you hope this help's bless u and you be proud of yourself your an amazing strong caring person even with all you yourself has been through {mental hug} and good luck smile's
Any people dealing with ex gf, specially if she is mother of your child, how u manage your relationship?
Do you just pay child support, or also play some important role in childs life, how do u manage two lifes, dont u feel like going back to hr, what about kid how do u deal with that and what about ur current gf and all that.
Please advice me how to deal with such a situation, how painful it is to break up with ur pregnant but cheater gf.Any people dealing with ex gf, specially if she is mother of your child, how u manage your relationship?
You ask that question as if its either or. You do all. You pay your child support. You be there for your kids. You have to keep some type of communication with the mother for the sake of your kids.
I know its painful but you must be strong and move on. But just be careful next time you're with anyone -- you don't want to have different kids with different women. Thats more child support you'll have to pay and going to work would seem pointless 'cause you won't have any money left for yourself after paying C/S.
Take things one day at a time. It'll be all right. You probably wanted answers from other men/dads.....but I was with someone that has 3 kids and has to deal with his ex/kid's mother constantly. And thats a challenge cause she isn't the most civil person.
Just do the best you can. It may not seem like its gonna get better - but in time, it will. Good luck sweety.Any people dealing with ex gf, specially if she is mother of your child, how u manage your relationship?
Well if she is pregnant and a cheater, it just might not be yours. Don't be a dope and make sure to get a paternity test right after the child is born. You would be surprised how often it turns out negative.
Yes you should pay support and have an important role in your child's life. However you need to keep the interaction with the ex to a minimum. This is very important as it can have a huge impact on future relationships. Girlfriends for some odd reason don't like you dealing with the ex...amazing isn't it? Set it up so you have standard visitation and a neutral drop off and pick up site (like her mothers house, etc). Even just showing up at her house for a few minutes to pick the kid up can be huge sources of conflict.
The people who keep these contact points to a minimum have a lot less drama in their lives then those who don't. Make sure you get her the payments on time and in full, otherwise there will be huge problems.
When you have a child you have more responsibilities then just paying child support.If thing's didn't work out between you %26amp; your child's mom that is fine but your child deserves to have two parent's.Not only is it important that you pay child support but you also need to continue to be a father to your child.You may find it uncomfortable having to deal with your ex but you are the one's that chose to bring an innocent child into this world.You have every right to move on into another relationship but you also have to be honest with your new partner and let them know that you have a child from a previous relationship and you have to continue to be a parent.You never put anyone else infront of your child your child is what really matters.Good Luck %26amp; Best Wishes
run off to ukraine
Please advice me how to deal with such a situation, how painful it is to break up with ur pregnant but cheater gf.Any people dealing with ex gf, specially if she is mother of your child, how u manage your relationship?
You ask that question as if its either or. You do all. You pay your child support. You be there for your kids. You have to keep some type of communication with the mother for the sake of your kids.
I know its painful but you must be strong and move on. But just be careful next time you're with anyone -- you don't want to have different kids with different women. Thats more child support you'll have to pay and going to work would seem pointless 'cause you won't have any money left for yourself after paying C/S.
Take things one day at a time. It'll be all right. You probably wanted answers from other men/dads.....but I was with someone that has 3 kids and has to deal with his ex/kid's mother constantly. And thats a challenge cause she isn't the most civil person.
Just do the best you can. It may not seem like its gonna get better - but in time, it will. Good luck sweety.Any people dealing with ex gf, specially if she is mother of your child, how u manage your relationship?
Well if she is pregnant and a cheater, it just might not be yours. Don't be a dope and make sure to get a paternity test right after the child is born. You would be surprised how often it turns out negative.
Yes you should pay support and have an important role in your child's life. However you need to keep the interaction with the ex to a minimum. This is very important as it can have a huge impact on future relationships. Girlfriends for some odd reason don't like you dealing with the ex...amazing isn't it? Set it up so you have standard visitation and a neutral drop off and pick up site (like her mothers house, etc). Even just showing up at her house for a few minutes to pick the kid up can be huge sources of conflict.
The people who keep these contact points to a minimum have a lot less drama in their lives then those who don't. Make sure you get her the payments on time and in full, otherwise there will be huge problems.
When you have a child you have more responsibilities then just paying child support.If thing's didn't work out between you %26amp; your child's mom that is fine but your child deserves to have two parent's.Not only is it important that you pay child support but you also need to continue to be a father to your child.You may find it uncomfortable having to deal with your ex but you are the one's that chose to bring an innocent child into this world.You have every right to move on into another relationship but you also have to be honest with your new partner and let them know that you have a child from a previous relationship and you have to continue to be a parent.You never put anyone else infront of your child your child is what really matters.Good Luck %26amp; Best Wishes
run off to ukraine
How do you deal with people who constantly argue with you about your kids?
Silly stuff that gets irritating. For example, my pastor's wife, who wants me to allow my one-year old to wander the halls alone during choir practice, even letting her in the copy room by herself. Or my pastor who wants me to let her wander around the sanctuary alone, even letting her climb up the stage by herself where it is open electrical outlets galore (and yes, she does try occasionally). They don't have kids, and they are both driving me nuts, but his wife will actually argue with me (and continue to argue with me until she gets in the last word), whereas he will not. They also think I am overprotective for not allowing her in the nursery when there are five preschoolers who swoop down on her while the nursery worker (aka, the minister's wife) pays no attention. Someone knocked her over the other day giving her a hug and almost a concussion, too.
Then there is my narcissistic mother-in-law. . .
Argh! How to gracefully handle the situation before I blow up in someone's facHow do you deal with people who constantly argue with you about your kids?
Find a different church? or new mother in law lol? j/k on the 2d...but seriously consider the first one...pastor and his wife are waaay out of line in my book!
but barring those ideas, gently but FIRMLY explain to them your concerns, tell them it is their responsibility as the pastors to honor the ';family';...then say to them that as a parent it is your right to make decisions regarding the wellbeing of your children and they should mind their own business...and then keep your child by your side at all times. Don't put your child in any place where you don't feel comfortable..I don't care who it is. If the minister's wife doesn't like it, then that is her problem.
If there are possibly safety issues at the church, they may be violating a code. Consider making an anonymous report on them to the appropriate city authority...before someone gets hurt.How do you deal with people who constantly argue with you about your kids?
I've heard tell of pastor's wives that don't keep an eye on their own kids, but they tell everyone about how awful yours are- including you. I'm so glad that doesn't happen in my church. Life is hard enough!
what do you expect from religious fanatics?
Firstly, I would stop arguing. By debating the point with them you are allowing them to make you question your reasoning, rules and discipline.
Time to get a little bit tougher, and start telling others ';that's fine for you, but I'm not doing it';. End of story.
You don't have to be rude. You can be very very polite, respectful of their feelings and opinions, and accepting of their advice. The key is not to follow it.
Nod and smile, say something like ';oh, maybe when she's a bit older I'll let her run around, but for now I think I'll keep my eye on the little mischief maker!';, and stand firm!
Your child, your way!
Good luck, I hope this helps.
Either don't take your child or hold her when you go. Maybe you should take a break from church untill your daughter is trained to behave how you wish.
This is an easy solution....they are your kids! You are responsible for their health, happiness and safety. I would tell them that although you appreciate their advice and concern you will do for your children what you see fit. Good Luck!
Okay, so you need to find a new church these people are not supporting you! Having to have the last word? That is not only immature, but does not sound like a person who should be guiding you in the ways of the Lord. That is just crazy. As far as anyone giving you advice, as long as you are not hurting your child and you are doing things right for you and your child, I would just nod my head, smile, and go along with what I am doing.
Simply tell them, ';I am her mother and mom knows best.'; Tell them that you aren't going to argue with them about it. Lay down the law and tactfully tell them that's how it's going to be.bird make printer work
Then there is my narcissistic mother-in-law. . .
Argh! How to gracefully handle the situation before I blow up in someone's facHow do you deal with people who constantly argue with you about your kids?
Find a different church? or new mother in law lol? j/k on the 2d...but seriously consider the first one...pastor and his wife are waaay out of line in my book!
but barring those ideas, gently but FIRMLY explain to them your concerns, tell them it is their responsibility as the pastors to honor the ';family';...then say to them that as a parent it is your right to make decisions regarding the wellbeing of your children and they should mind their own business...and then keep your child by your side at all times. Don't put your child in any place where you don't feel comfortable..I don't care who it is. If the minister's wife doesn't like it, then that is her problem.
If there are possibly safety issues at the church, they may be violating a code. Consider making an anonymous report on them to the appropriate city authority...before someone gets hurt.How do you deal with people who constantly argue with you about your kids?
I've heard tell of pastor's wives that don't keep an eye on their own kids, but they tell everyone about how awful yours are- including you. I'm so glad that doesn't happen in my church. Life is hard enough!
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what do you expect from religious fanatics?
Firstly, I would stop arguing. By debating the point with them you are allowing them to make you question your reasoning, rules and discipline.
Time to get a little bit tougher, and start telling others ';that's fine for you, but I'm not doing it';. End of story.
You don't have to be rude. You can be very very polite, respectful of their feelings and opinions, and accepting of their advice. The key is not to follow it.
Nod and smile, say something like ';oh, maybe when she's a bit older I'll let her run around, but for now I think I'll keep my eye on the little mischief maker!';, and stand firm!
Your child, your way!
Good luck, I hope this helps.
Either don't take your child or hold her when you go. Maybe you should take a break from church untill your daughter is trained to behave how you wish.
This is an easy solution....they are your kids! You are responsible for their health, happiness and safety. I would tell them that although you appreciate their advice and concern you will do for your children what you see fit. Good Luck!
Okay, so you need to find a new church these people are not supporting you! Having to have the last word? That is not only immature, but does not sound like a person who should be guiding you in the ways of the Lord. That is just crazy. As far as anyone giving you advice, as long as you are not hurting your child and you are doing things right for you and your child, I would just nod my head, smile, and go along with what I am doing.
Simply tell them, ';I am her mother and mom knows best.'; Tell them that you aren't going to argue with them about it. Lay down the law and tactfully tell them that's how it's going to be.
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