My future mil is trying to pretty much run the wedding planning. I told her we were doing it in June and she started complaining about how hot it would be... then she starts flying off with lists of foods she can make... ugh lol She made the comment that ';this is going to be so fun, I always wanted a daughter so I could plan her wedding!'; The problem is I have a mom, I mean I want my mom to be very involved, and his mom is just... pushy. She has offered to help pay for some things but then again she is the type that will offer, then pay for it, then complain about it. I really like her and we get along, but I just have always envisioned my mom helping me with this. I would like to let her be involved, but how do I do that to where she knows what her boundries are? She has 3 boys, the oldest got married at the courthouse, I am with the middle, and the youngest is in college not thinking about marriage. any advice on dealing with future mother in laws will help...How do you tell your future mother in law that you... already have a mommy??
Do not accept her money or she will have a say in what goes on. If she wants to give suggestions, just say ';thank you but...'; and leave it at that.How do you tell your future mother in law that you... already have a mommy??
All I can say honey is good luck you can never win when it comes to MILs. Why not be polite and say thank you very much but my mom has got everything in hand and perhaps you could take her with you when you are having your dress fittings (whatever you do do not take her with you to choose your dress as I took my mum and gran and whereas my mum just let me get on with it my gran was constantly criticising my choices and actually put me off a couple needless to say the next shop I went to it was just my mum and I that went.
stop involving her with the wedding planning.
instead - ask her advice on something you are happy for her to take care of. such as the hall decorations, the invites, the table seating, the music, the flowers. whatever you decide on, ask her for wisdom and she'll likely take over. be prepared for her taste and style here. and let her run with it.
for everything else don't mention it around her. if she asks ';have you thought about the ____'; reply with ';oh yes, mum and i have organised that. it's going to be a surprise, but i know you'll love it';.
well talk to your fiance and find out more about his mother. ask him how he thinks you should deal with the situation. then if he thinks it's okay for you to confront his mother, talk to her. if he doesn't think it's the best idea, have him talk to her for you. talk to your mother about the situation also. tell her how it is. maybe she can help you.
Oh I wish I was in your shoes! My mom won't lift a finger to help with anything so I wouldn't mind someone else stepping in! But I can also see where's you're coming from. You might have to take the time to sit down with your fmil and explain that you appreciate her help but it's very important that your own mom plays a major role in the planning.
It is nice of her to want to help and I understand the reasons but as you put it you have a mom. I would just tell her that although you appreciate all the advise and help you and your mom have been waiting for this moment a long time. You would never dream of hurting your mother's feelings and you know that she would undestand if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak and she had a daughter who's mother in law wanted to be involved. You can say you would be open to suggestions and would pass them on to your mom and you would both consider them but the decision would still be yours and your mother's. She means well but I understand where you are coming from . My daughter in law actually wanted my advise and for me to help her with the wedding and picking out the dress. I was so honored but I knew it would break her mother's heart so I told her I couldn't do it. She understood and everything was fine. Good luck and congratulations. May you have a long and very happy marriage. My only advise is to smile , smile , smile. Don't let anything get you down. This will be one of the happiest days of your life.
Maybe it's time to rethink the wedding. It sounds like she's running his life and wants to jump right into yours. My one daughter had a MIL like that. Take notice, I said HAD, She was so controlling that they finally had to divorce. I see that the oldest brother got married at the courthouse, gee I wonder why? Get things straight now or prepare for a long life of misery.
Maybe you could separate all of the stuff into categories. All major major things like your dress and the venue your mum could help with but then your mil could help with guest lists and invites. If you get on with her then I'd try not to fall out right before the marriage. Explain that your mum has things under control and just sidetrack her with a few things you don't mind her helping with. Unfortunately, mother in laws are often hard because it is their baby your marrying and often taking away from them. Just make sure she is included but on your terms.
Good luck and congrats on the wedding!
How about allocating one or two tasks for the the MIL? If you could sit down with her and your own mother and have a list of who you would like to do what. You and your mother obviously don't have to stick to the list but then your MIL won't feel too left out. It is your wedding though and your might have to tell her to back off.
You take charge, make a list and choose some things to assign to her. She wants to help, I can't blame her, but you have to keep a leash on it so she doesn't get out of control. I hope she has a husband or your son that will help you rein her in. Give her some things to do, things that you are open about, so if she does them her way you won't care. Like, have her choose the guestbook, have her choose the flowers for the parents, have her choose flower girl dresses, anything she can do that make her feel involved and that won't ruin it for you. Also, talk to your mom and give her some things too. Tell the caterer and anyone else involved in the wedding that YOU make the decisions and only you, in case she tries to go behind your back.
Truthfully, I don't think there is really a good way to deal with MIL's. I kinda ran into a similar issue when planning my wedding--she has 2 boys and no girls. I heard a lot of ';I want this,'; ';I wouldn't have done that,'; ';You should wear this...'; To deal with it, I just ignored her.
I think you really need to set boundaries now though otherwise it will only get worse. Include her and ask for her opinions, but DO NOT include her in EVERYTHING. I didn't take my MIL dress shopping at all with me or to look at BM dresses. I also picked out things and THEN showed it to her.
You won't be able to stop her complaining (trust me--my MIL was fighting with our caterer over non-alcoholic champagne that only SHE wanted), but you can minimize her meddling.
Good luck!
That's a tricky corner for you, darling. I'm glad you understand your MIL's feelings about ';having a daughter she doesn't really have';. There's no changing this feeling of hers, so you are blessed with 2 moms, now... for better or worse. ;-)
As for her eagerness to please/help, she's kind of all over the place with it. Perhaps you can discuss this situation with your mother and ask her if there are a few *specific* things your MIL could do to help her out with the planning (things you feel she would be good at). Hope this helps a bit.
No matter what happens, I wish you and your beau a wonderful wedding day. Cheers!
Find something for her to be in charge of and set her to work at that. The grooms family is usually in charge of the flowers and the luncheon/rehearsal dinner (I think- in my religion we don't have rehearsals, we have luncheons after the ceremony- the grooms family usually pays for that). Give her some guidelines for the rehearsal dinner and put her in charge of that, then you won't have to worry about planning it.
Then your fiance needs to tell her, that if you need any other help you will ask. You appreciate the suggestions, but you and your mom have it handled. You will let her help and be involved as long as she lets you do what you want. If she starts getting pushy, then she can't help. This needs to come from her son though. It is vital that he tell her, not you. He needs to stand up to her now, or she will try running your whole life. He should set the boundaries and limits for his parents, if not, you will end up like Debra on Everybody Loves Raymond. But Her son has to do it. That is essential. If he is not man enough to tell his mommy to back off, then he is not man enough to get married.
The thing you have to do is sit down and make a list with your mom of things that you are both OK with having the MIL do. That way you control her input and she still gets to be a part of the planning.
Remember the wedding is one day, she will be your MIL for as long as you are married to her son. You really don't want this woman to be your enemy, so let her help on your terms that way its something that everyone can live with.
Good luck and Congrats!
i would nicely say to her that this is my special day, and if you don't like the way i am doing stuff that is to bad, you had your special day the way you wanted it,now let me have mine the way i want it..
Start now, Every time she comes up with her version of wedding plans, remind her that you already have that covered. no big deal just a simple statement a that's nice but we are doing so and so. stick to your guns, be polite and agreeable but remind her that you are making your own plans.
Do not let her pay for a single thing. If she puts in one dime she will assume that gives her the right to take over. You could show compassion for her daughterless plight by makeing a big deal of the rehersal dinner which is an event that she IS responsible for and it can be a small or as elaborate as she would want and it is her responsibility to plan that out. Remind her of that and it might get her off your back if she has her won show to plan. June is pleanty of time for her to have her plans in order. Good luck
You have no idea how lucky you are. I have been married over 14 years and I still hate my MIL. We have an uneasy truce for my husband's sake. There is alot involved in planning a wedding is there some reason why your mom and his mom can't both help you? I took my MIL wedding gown shopping and I can't stand her, why can't you take yours if you like her? Why can't both moms go to look at the hall with you? Why does it have to be one or the other? Think about all the years in front of you, this is when you decide what kind of relationship you'll have with this woman for the rest of her life.
Please try to understand how lucky you are that you have a MIL who actually seems to love you and wants to help and welcome you into the family. Many women have a sadly opposite story to tell about how awful the woman is. Can't she help with something? I mean really--don't you have tons of stuff to do? Maybe she can address invitations, put candies into tulle bags, whatever! She just wants to help--direct her to ways she can be of help, and realize you are lucky to have yet another person in your life who is trying to be supportive--nobody can ever have too many cheerleaders!
First, I think you should just be glad that your mother in law is helping at all. Like you, my future mil has 3 sons and I am with the middle son. I thought she would very involved since she seems to like me, doesn't have a daughter and she has the money to help. But she hasn't done anything but promise to have me a bridal shower which I haven't heard anymore about. But if she's bothering you that much now, I can imagine how she will be when you're married. Just have your mom around more and getting more involved and then she will get the point that she's not running the show
I agree with some of the others...you need to stop talking to her about wedding plans. If anything, mention that you and your mom are doing such and such, and she'll probably get the hint that she's not going to be very involved. If she asks about things, just say ';Yes, my mom and I have some plans for that.'; Be very careful about having either your parents or his parents pay for stuff, because it gives them the feeling that they can control it. Pay for as much stuff yourself as possible. With that said, encourage your groom to make sure she feels appreciated in other ways.
This is what you need to do in order to keep the peace here. Remember no matter how much of a pain in the rear she is, It's still his mother. Do not bad mouth her to him as know one wants to hear that about their mom. If she is the type to pay for something so she can have control or you will never hear the end of it have her pay for her son's tux. There are somethings in this wedding that will be very important to you and other things that you will pick that are not so important. I would let her help with the things that are not top on the list.
She can help pick the cake toper, cake cutter, favors, thank you cards.
Let your mom help with your dress, the flowers, the hall, cake
I would just lay low and not talk about the wedding with her every minute, good luck and congrats.
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