I am having this great dislike towards him and honestly he is not a pleasant man,mom would call him selfish(half-jokingly and half serious) and I find him that too and a little psychotic with painfully limited life skills and experiences even he's already middle-aged,some would call that 'lovely' but with the other side of him being threatening or even a tyranny,you just can live with it.
Teacher suggested 'love him',yet she had no idea what I was dealing with here--definitely different than what she had in mind.How do you deal with your dad?
*What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy and to be free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.
We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.
In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world %26amp; thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.
Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. “When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.
’Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness.’ Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, %26amp; we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, %26amp; cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, %26amp; spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them.” This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds %26amp; lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.
However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, %26amp; tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind and Happiness, and we’ll communicate successfully with others in life.*How do you deal with your dad?
It hurts when you feel you can't love your parents and I believe that it's this hurt that is actually the love. You can't not love your parents but you can not like them. If you feel you need to leave then do so, but don't burn your bridges. You have no idea what the future will bring.
Hate my dad growing up.My mom passed away 10 years ago and I was his only child living near him.I started spending more time around him.One day I asked him what it was like for him growing up.I found myself glued to every word.I learned so much that day.He contimued into later years,experiences,Korean war stories hobbys and then how he felt about me.I had a new respect for my dad after that day.We have an awesome rrelationship now(even though he still can be a pain in my *** sometimes)I love having him around.All because I took an intrest in him one day.He bother me sometimes but hey he is dad.He is my dad.I promise all he wants for you is the best.I didnt know it until we had a relationsbip but he worries about me and just wants whats best foe me..Im sure he has alot of questions for you too.Put down your guard one day and just listen,ask and seek to understand.
your dad sounds like a bad piece of garbage there fore being his son you are garbage too.and since i dont deal with garbage then i wont tell you the answer you are looking for,,,,so SHUT UP PUNK
My dad and I have an uncomfortable relationship. If I do something he doesn't like, he disowns me. I once dated outside my race and he stopped speaking to me for several years. Yet, he is my dad, and I want something.
I suggest try going out to lunch or dinner, and get to know him. But remember, it takes two. If he doesn't seem interested, then I would keep a distant relationship in case he comes around.
Your question is How Do I Deal With My Dad. I DON';T. Right in the middle of my attempts to TRAIN him on how to treat ME, he died of a heart attack. How inconsiderate.
I was in my 30's. But that's not my point. I wasted all my time trying to change the way My Dad Dealt with me and how I Dealt With My Dad. Now it's over and I never did get him trained.
If I had him back, I could wrap him around my little finger by loving him with all my heart and showing him I truly did. Too Late.
Better Luck with Your Dad.
wel you know what sometimes when they pass away you could have some really big regret. hes your dad and therefore i would try and stay away from most of his mess and just live and sooner or later he'll be gone and you will rest easy cause you did nothing to be guilty about.
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