For some reason just the thought of my in-laws upset me? If I get a phone call, they come over, my husband makes plans, anything I just get extremely stress out and I鈥檓 in a bad mood for hours or even days.
The big reason why I don鈥檛 like my mother and father in law is because I don鈥檛 understand why they don鈥檛 help at all. My parents go out of their way when we need help, I could pretty much call my parents for anything. His parents have done very little for us since we have been married and they never go out of their way to help. They rarely call or visit. That鈥檚 the reason why I don鈥檛 like them. I feel like they we never there that much for my husband growing up and they were not very good parents. They live in Louisiana and don鈥檛 make a big effort to visit us and their grandchildren. They always want us to come visit but we have to children under two, it鈥檚 very stressful to drive 200 miles to see them. I don鈥檛 know why they can鈥檛 come and see us more often.How do you deal with your in laws?
yikes! well just keep in mind that not all families are the same. The fact that your family loves and supports one another is unique and a great thing! He obviously didn't grow up in the same manner, so his parents don't know any better. They are not going to change, so you have to embrace it. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. As far as the sister goes...yes that is very frustrating and disappointing, but don't line her up as a babysitter in the first place if you cannot rely on her.
Knowing how unhelpful his family can be, don't expect anything from them. Then you'll never be disappointed!
Just a make a plan to maybe visit once a year, or every other year and leave it at that. I know you want everything to be just like it is in your family, but every one is different! good luck!How do you deal with your in laws?
mine are nice and are caring people so i don't have issues with them. sorry that you have so many issues with them. they are just selfish people.
i hate my in laws too.
Be glad though they don't come around ofter.
I have sister's in law who are losers that's living with us.
hate my life with them.
In order to change your relationship with them, you need to change your views on relationships. Do some research on the different dynamics of family relationships. It'll really help to understand everything.
Yes, its wonderful that your parents help with anything. But not all families are made of the same code. Some families believe that once you are married, you are on your own. They don't want to interfere. To you that is bad, to others its a blessing. To you, having your parents help with everything is a blessing, to others that is having your in-laws in your face 24/7.
I love my in-laws but they are like your husband's parents. They don't interfere. She offers her advice here and there but she won't offer help unless we ask because she doesn't want to interfere. I love her for it. His father is the same. If we are talking about doing something with the house, he'll help out but he won't give opinion because it is OUR house. It's awesome.
My mom lives 300 miles away. He never minds doing the drive to see her because she is family. Sure the drive is stressful but its worth it.
Good for some, not so good for others.
I think it's only a lucky few who have inlaws they like. I'm sure your husband has made his peace with the relationship he has with his parents. If he seems okay with their lack of engagement, then so be it. It's their loss, really.
I would encourage you to keep up the relationship at a minimum (birthday cards and holidays), but not to expect much else. If you don't expect much then you won't be hurt when you get very little from them. You'll have a long, frustrating relationship if you try to change them or hold on to unrealistic expectations.
If his parents weren't good as he was growing, why would YOU expect them to be different NOW? Your expecting something that justy isn't going to happen.
Some people raise their son's to be responsible and raise their families on their own. It sounds like your mommy and daddy's special package, so of course they'll help out. But you just CAN'T expect his family to be the same.
As for his sister, sure it was a crappy thing she pulled, but she did have the right to go out the night before. It's like your rying to run everyones life you have NO RIGHT or CONTROL over, so in all due respects, your causeing way too much drama in your own life.
Just because you married this man, doesn't mean it made you the judge and jury of his families lives.
You'll have to deal with it.
My mother in law lives in Italy, I live in New York. I deal with her out of respect because when I go to Italy in the summer, to my house, with my kids, she is pretty hands on grandmother. I live with my hubby and kids alone in U.S.A. but the way I see it:
';Once you're married, you learn how to take care of your own home and family. This is the choice I've made for me and the ones I love. I don't ask for anything to anybody because I am responsible for my actions and whenever, I need to go out, I hire a ';babysitter'; to take care of my kids'; !!
This is a babysitter I interviewed when I got pregnant with my second child. She has been with us, is part of our family, since 7 years now !!
You should do the same. Pay for the ';services rendered'; to your family ! Good luck !!
All the answers you've gotten are great, I can't give you a direct answer to these problems, all I can do is offer advise from going through this same thing minus the children when I married into a ';cold'; family.
The only way I was able to overcome this was to grin and bear it, I called his Mother even when I didn't want to just to chat (has hard as it is), this took months of chatting to get her to open up more and when she did, his Dad came around a little more also. As far as them not going out of their way to help your family, it takes time and I know that's a hard pill to swallow.
I was married to Travis for almost 7 years before he passed away and right up until the end they were still pretty cold towards me, but they tried and that is all I asked for. Some people are just programmed that way sweetie and as much as you want them to change or wait for it they never will.
Travis has been gone for over a year now and we don't speak at all. It's sad to know even in death they couldn't be more heartfelt.
It is completely opposite for me and my fiance.
His family is SO involved in our lives. I've actually become closer to his sister than I am to either of mine.
I am having trouble getting my family to participate in the wedding planning / preparation because they are always 'too tired' or 'too busy'.
He handles it by being really supportive of me. He knows that it hurts me to see them being so hands off when it comes to my new life / accomplishments. I think it makes him feel better about the situation to be able to comfort and reassure me...
You have so many good answers, but I will just add what I have learned from life with my in-laws. I have just recently come to the conclusion that even though you don't think your family would ever do the things your in-laws do, treat what they do as if it WERE your family. Forgive them just as you would your family and accept that they will have their faults, and you have had a lifetime to learn to accept your family's faults and your in-laws have different faults, so it may take a while to learn to accept theirs. And also remember that they may be having the same issue with you. While you may not think your faults are extreme, everyone sees things differently. Just as the deal with your sister-in-law was a deal breaker for you, just remember, she is not a parent. She views things differently. Maybe the biggest thing in her life was her hang over that day, and would you really have wanted her to babysit in that condition? I know it was disappointing, but maybe talk to her and schedule a rain check date. Well, hope I have helped. Good Luck!
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