How do you deal with your husband's past life?

Is there a support system for those woman who are married to a divorced man, who has children with his ex? I have been living with my common-law husband, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. He is the first man in my life I decided was worth settling down with, and would consider starting a family - if he haven't already had that yet. He was married before to a money hungry, superficial, non-motherly, non domestic individual, that he has 2 children with. It doesn't mean we don't all get along. lol His children are out of control, absolutely unrealistic about life, only call him when they want money out of him for something. The ex wife has a boyfriend for 10 years, however it doesn't stop her from living off my husband - getting him stuck paying for everything. It is unfair to our life. It was 20 years ago when he married her, and the children are teenagers, and the values that they were raised by, and seem to believe, are against everything me and my husband stand for. Unfortunately I have no say in anything, I came to his life at a later point. I have no children on my own, have a degree in education though. It is obvious that his ex and his children use him for whatever they can. I hate being in this situation. When it comes to the two of us, we are perfect for each other, I and have absolutely no other conflict - except for this past life of his. It drives me absolutely nuts, because I cannot understand why he decidedthis kind of woman to be the mother of his children, while they share nothing in common? Am I nuts? I try to block it all out, and from time to time it just comes up, because this is the only thing interfearing with our life. I need help. If I could do it all over, I would probably wanna be an ex wife - they seem to get it all. Boyfriend, children, and an ex to pay their way through life while they are making another woman's and their ex husband's hard.How do you deal with your husband's past life?
I had a similar situation. I would legalize your marriage to the man first and then, you're in a position to oppose what goes in and out of his wallet. I did find that after I married my husband and his kids became ';of age'; he put a stop to them using him for everything. It all hinged on our marriage. Eventually, the ex married the boyfriend and the kids had families of their own and they learned that Dad was not a cash cow and they would have to face both of us if they asked for anything...which they don't. Guess you and your man will have to sit down and hash this one out. Godloveya honey.How do you deal with your husband's past life?
Honey, I can completely appreciate how you feel. She probably won't marry her boyfriend of ten years because alimony will then stop if she's legally married. But this is all about you right now. You have to decide for yourself. What is more important to you? Being with him with all this drama or moving on and eventually being with someone else? You really have no choice in the matter. You're right, you have litttle to no say in how his ill mannered kids act, you have no control over the ex-wife and her antics. But yet you love him and are very compatible with him. All you can do is try to accept it. Accept it as well as you can. Realize that you are hurting YOURSELF when you let these thoughts in your mind. Their bad behavior takes the front burner in your life because what you put your attention to (their ways, their ill manners, etc.) has the control over YOU. So you're allowing it basically. Get yourself into a peaceful mindset over it. Pray that you can let this go. Practice letting it go. Whenever they irritate you or creep into your head, let it go. Especially if it's just a thought and they're not even around. Maybe seek some counseling too to get a better handle on it. Counseling just for yourself initially, see what a professional has to say. Good luck to you!
First of all, this situation is hardly the norm, and no, you do not want to be ';an ex wife.'; He is a good father, otherwise your situation wouldn't be so hard. If he wasn't a good father, you probably wouldn't want him. It's just a big cycle and you have to take the bad with the good. It's just life with a divorced parent.



Teenagers get their values' system from just about any source but their parents and of course, they know more than their parents, so you really cannot judge parenting by looking at teens.



I'm a single mom and have been for 10 years. It's really difficult to instill solid morals and values in your children in this day in age, because it's swimming against the tide of their peers and their entertainment--even regular television for children, sometimes. And no, we are not living off my ex husband. lol
wow! I dont think you need counseling, I think you need some deep conversations with your husband. He probably compensates her whims and his childrens needs more than others because he feels bad that they had to endure their parents getting divorced. This is a difficult situation. WOW! This is obviously getting to you, and I can't help but wonder if your husband knows how much this all upsets you. Does he realize what he is putting you through? Ex wives are not all like her, I am one and I've always worked and depended on no one, not even their dad, only what the court financially said he was responsible for. She gives us Ex's a bad name.

Talk a lot to your husband, Try to keep the home fires burning, and supportive but keep in mind he has to be in tune with what you are feeling about all this, give him a chance
I know - it is REALLY frustrating to be on the other side. I commend you for knowing that it's not your place to say anything. All your man can do is do his best. His children are the ones who will lose out on positive experiences they could have had with their dad.



Men on Y!A are always complaining about how unfair the system is, but I do personally know many men who've successfully fought for fair child support, equitable custody and fair divisions of expenditures outside child support. One of my friends has an ex-wife who constantly tries to get away with making him pay for more than half of things like summer camp, music lessons, etc. etc. He's just had to be vigilant about making sure she pays her fair share.



Good luck to you. Be strong for your man. If you need support, try a counselor/clergyman what have you.
oh boy, when you find this support system, hook me up! Seriously! Sounds like we have a bit of the same wrinkle in our lives.
My husband chose a real loser to be the mother of his kids, but I figure they had lots in common at the time. Your husband chose that woman, too. He also raised those kids long enough to instill some of those values you disdain. Likewise, he hasn't done much to remove those values if he just hands the kids money and lets them treat him badly. Why isn't he straightening them out during visitation? Something tells me there's not much of that happening. He checked out of parenting them, and it shows, right?



Don't let your husband off the hook.



I see my husband check out of his children's education and upbringing. I also think that we live at my level now, not necessarily the one he would choose if alone. Sound familiar?
you married him knowing that he had been married before, this shows some sign of acceptance for his past. In a situation like this though, you have to walk in forgiveness daily and communicate to your husband that he should not be manipulated by an ex...
Honestly you sound like you want out. So let go of the poor guy and move on to someone with no baggage.
It is very hard dealing with an ex and especially children from a prior relationship. I went through this and I ended up in a divorce. Now I am married to a man with no ';baggage.'; I wish I had some good advice for you but I really don't.
OK, so are you going to tell me that you DID NOT KNOW all of this garbage about the ex BEFORE you let yourself become involved in his life? When you two discussed his relationship with the ex, did he make you any promises that anything would ever change? Did he tell you that once you two became serious that he would cut her or the kids off? Did you ever agree to not get involved or have any say in how things are handled?



OBVIOUSLY your husband is a wimp. If his kids or the ex USE him, it is because he is too weak to stand up for himself and say NO. You cannot blame THEM for that - for all they know, he does not mind being used. Sure, they do not respect him - it is very hard to respect a wimp. As long as he LETS them USE him, they will keep coming back for more. HE NEEDS TO SAY NO - and mean it. Have you ever asked him WHY he does not do that?



YOU make your OWN life hard. You too need to stand up for yourself and learn how to say NO. Quit blaming everyone else. If you do not like what is going on, SAY SO or shut up and learn to live with it.
This shouldn't be about your husbands ex, it should be about the children and what is best for them. The children need to be supported by both parents financially, medically and emotionally. What your husband is doing for his children is exactly what he should be doing. Someday the children will be old enough to take care of themselves and your husband will be off the hook for support, although you must understand that he will still always be their father. I think you should try focusing on what is best for the children and forget about the ex.



*It is spelled interfering for future reference.
maybe you and your partner should try couple counseling..