What would you tell your children if you were to face death?

'Mommy's going away'





On Thursday, the hospice nurse said Carolynne would likely die within 48 hours. Her respirations had fallen to six per minute. It was nearly impossible to rouse her from sleep. The nurse said she probably wouldn't regain consciousness. Carolynne's family hurried back to New Hampshire.





That night, Brian sat by his mother's bed as visitors gathered around her. He often had asked questions about her condition - whether she felt pain, whether something could be done to help her breathe easier, who they would call when she died. Tonight he asked Rich why her muscles were twitching.





';Mom's dying, Brian,'; he said.





';Oh, yeah, yeah,'; Brian said and turned away.





When Rich tried to tell him again, Brian plugged his ears.





';Brian, take your fingers out of your ears, you're embarrassing yourself,'; Rich said.





After a long pause, Carolynne's sister Laura Cummins, 36, said, ';It's okay Brian. I don't want to hear it either.';





Even before Carolynne's illness, Rich's relationship with Brian was strained. Lately, Brian had been getting in trouble at school, where he's in the sixth grade. In recent weeks, Rich received daily calls from his principal.





Brian and Melissa have limited contact with their biological father. Rich said he knows that Brian feels as though he has lost both parents. ';He's got a bum deal,'; he said.





Carolynne's sisters and cousin Anna had already assured her that they would help care for Brian. Rich said he is unsure how to move the family forward when he and Brian are battling each other.





One night last week, Rich told Brian that if he didn't change his behavior toward adults, he could be sent to boarding school. Brian protested. He said he didn't want to leave home.





Rich told him he didn't know what else to do. ';I'm doing everything that people tell me I should do to help you,'; he said.





Later on Thursday, Rich placed Elijah down in the bed next to his mom. Elijah draped his arm across her chest. ';Mom? Mommy? Mom's not waking up,'; he said to Rich. ';Mom doesn't hear me.';





Rich reminded him of the books they had read about people's bodies breaking.





';Mommy's going away,'; Rich said, starting to cry. ';Mommy's dying.';





When Elijah said she would never wake up ';because she doesn't like me,'; Rich showed him the surgical scars on Carolynne's stomach and tried to explain what was happening to her body.





The normally boisterous boy would later tiptoe quietly down the stairs at about 6 a.m. on the day Carolynne died to listen at the doorway of the room where his dad dozed next to his mom. Then he walked slowly back to the stairs in the blue darkness of near-dawn and kneeled, peering between the rungs of the railing at people sprawled sleeping on the couches.





On Friday, Carolynne's pulse was weaker, her temples caved in from dehydration. In the afternoon, she opened her eyes for a few moments. Melissa sat at the computer in the kitchen. Rich asked her to join him beside her mom.





';Your mother's eyes are open, and I want her to see you,'; he said.





At first, Melissa refused. When Carolynne was in the hospital, Melissa had said she sometimes felt as if her mom was already gone. Since Carolynne had come home, she had kept her distance. After Rich prodded her again, she conceded.





';Melissa's here,'; Rich said to Carolynne. ';She's watching you.';





The next morning, Melissa stood at the end of her mother's bed quietly, her hair in two braids, and dressed for the state gymnastics meet. The adults in her family had explained to her that her mother would likely die that day. She chose to go to the meet anyway, and they let her. This was her own way of coping, they said.





Through the morning, Carolynne's hands turned blue and her breath became fast and shallow. At about 1:30 p.m., Ellie Duhaime and Melody Cooper-Mishkit, longtime friends from The Family Place, turned Carolynne on her side to give her some medicine. When they returned her to her back, her breathing changed immediately. They called for Rich. The family ran to Carolynne's bedside.





They held on to Carolynne and to each other until she died.





Brian hugged Rich tight around the waist.





';I love you,'; he said.





';I love you, too,'; Rich said.





Rich sobbed as he removed her wedding ring and his own and placed them on her chest. He fetched Elijah and sat with him next to Carolynne's body.





';Mom's gone,'; he said. He touched his son's chest. ';She stays in here, with you now.';





When Melissa came home hours later, she walked immediately upstairs to her room. She came down after prodding from the family's longtime baby sitter to go see her mom's body.





Later, Carolynne's cousin Anna said she thinks that Melissa and Brian will be proud to have shown such courage in watching their mother's long fight and in experiencing her eventual death.





';It will give them tremendous strength and take away - or at least diminish - the fear that they might have . . . of what happened,'; she said.





In the days immediately following Carolynne's death, they were already showing strength: Melissa went to another gymnastics meet on Sunday. Brian has talked to his mom, if only in spirit, each night and each morning before he and Anna fall asleep on the couch together. Both kids were back at school yesterday.





But Saturday night, when people from the funeral home came to take Carolynne's body, Brian sat with Ellie in the basement while Elijah ran around throwing toys.





';Where do they have her sleep? Are they going to put her in a bed?'; Brian asked, as the stretcher that carried his mom's body was wheeled across the floor above his head. ';She's going to be lonely.';





Ellie told him that his mom's spirit is in heaven now, not in her body.





Rich called down to say they could come up. Carolynne's body was gone. Elijah ran up the stairs, calling for his mom.What would you tell your children if you were to face death?
That is so hard to answer, I would comfort my child at tell them that I will see them soon. I would never lose it though. I think the worst thing you can do is show fear in front of your child. They will live with the memory of you being terrified of dying, and thats more painfull. I would like my child remember me being being calm and confident.What would you tell your children if you were to face death?
i would tell the oldest that i was coming to my end and not to cry bicase i would see them in hevin.i also would tell them to pase the news to there sibling.
The question was what would I tell my children if I was facing death. That is a good questioin. I would remind them to never forget all the things I have taught them, and nothing has given me more joy in my life then they have. That they need to stay to gether and take care of each other because they are all they have. I love them more than anything and will be watching them everyday so don't disapoint me. I am going to a wonderful place. And someday they will get to come there too but it is not there time
My father-in-law passed away Thurs. My children 11, 4, %26amp; 3 went to the funeral. The 3 yr old wanted Paw Paw to get up and hold him, The 4 yr old asked if we could build stairs to heaven and visit him. My 11 yr old was angry, he missed her birthday party but she was to spend the weekend with them- the weekend never came, (he died thursday). It's hard but I feel that it has brought our family closer, we've let petty arguments go and really started to love each other in spite of them.
Wow. Each family member is going to go through many different reactions. Dad is going to be tried because he will have to set aside some of his own emotion to deal with the kids. I will pray for them all. The stages of grief hit each of us in a different way and for some it can take years for final acceptance and letting go. It sounds as if their family has faith in God and this can help alot. Remember its okay to be mad at God to. He'll understand and help you each get through it. The kids may be mad at mom for leaving them and afraid to work through that. They need to be shown that all this wide range of emotion is healthy. What isn't is holding it inside or feeling guilt about honest emotions. God Bless you all.
all i can say is wow. If i knew i was about to die, i think that would be the hardest thing for me ti know I wouldnt be here to take care of MY babies. To hold them, touch them, tell them i loved them and to wipe away their tears. I want to do all that. NO ONE ELSE. I think it would be easyer for me to lose a child of mine knowing I would be the one to hurt then to die and leave my babies with the hurt. I would rather suffer with loss in life then my kids. I know my husband would be a wonderful father even with me not here but even the thought of me not being in their life is the scaryest thought i have. I know where i would go if i died so i have no fear of death, its the fear of what im leaveing that scares me. I know where my babies will go if they die, so the thought of them not being with me cause i know where they are,is better then me leaveing and leaving them with the pain in life. Id rather hurt then them anyday.
Well ,even my youngest (8) understands the fact no one leaves this world alive, Jan 19th ,07 their grandfather (55) was living here with us due to bad health , (lung cancer ) I went in to wake him and he was gone , I called the coroner, my youngest asked ,what is wrong with grandpa , I told her he was dead, she replied ';he is better off with Jesus ,cause he will not let grandpa suffer anymore'; she cried a little bit ,then as they carried him out in the body bag she placed her hand on the bag and said , I love you grandpa and I 'm gonna miss you '; that was all on her own I have never spoke to her two much about death with the exception of when my kids got to pick out my Coffin, final resting place and my grave marker, when I did my preplanning , kids understand a lot more than we think ,sometimes better than most adults.
Just be there for your children under no matter what things are Cry with them, hug them as much as you can. Let them vent out, grieve, and mad. I would start with the books calls '; what is Heaven like '; by Joanne Burns. There are books available for children about death, dying, or dealing sickness. This book is invaluable. It offers hope beyond grave and even provide a solution to the children who needs to rise above present suffering. Even though death is a subject a parent wish didn't need to address. Scripture offers answers that can supply the comfort everyone longs for. When you go to them read as together as family. It will have lots of hurts of course, but it helps them to go to the point they are learning it with you. Once again, just be there for your children as much as Carolynn would like for you to do as the mother's children. For you, talk it out grieve on your own from your close friends, and adult family members. This is my favorite scripture for your difficuilt time:


';He Himself has said,


I will not in any way fail you


nor give you up


nor leave you without support.';


Hebrews 13:5





I put in my prayer thought for you ,one of the yahoo member, here. May the comfort with you.
Please for your children's sake GET THEM A GRIEF COUNSELOR
I would tell them to not be afraid.
Gee thanks