How do you deal with your spouse's life before you?

One of my best friends is really struggling and is asking me for advice and I don't have any answers. She has had a boyfriend for 1.5 years and they're seriously discussing marriage. However, he is divorced with a child. He doesn't have primary custody, but does have his son every other weekend and a month during the summer. My friend has a hard time accepting the child, the previous marriage, and the fact that if she marries him, she will lose the freedom to do as she chooses on holidays and at other times because the son's mother won't let them take him out of the US states (friend is not from the states). She knows her boyfriend will always choose his son (he's a great dad and wants full custody). I think my friend resents the child and doesn't spend a lot of time with him. She's also really bitter that her boyfriend has to have a relationship with his ex-wife for their child. She wishes she was the ';first'; in everything. This couple loves each other more than I've seen most people love each other, so they want to make it work. Any advice?How do you deal with your spouse's life before you?
Sounds like your friend is that type of selfish, self centered woman which is not mature enough to get married and specially not with a guy who has a child. She should not marry this guy at this point and rather wait.How do you deal with your spouse's life before you?
If she really loved him like you say then these things wouldn't be such a turn off. This man has a son. period. It will not change. If she doesn't want to ';loose the freedom'; then she should break up with him.





Everything that we go through makes us who we are today. If he had not had this previous relationship and son, he would not be the person that she is in love with.
Most of us have a life before who we marry. It is just a fact of life. If she cannot accept this child and love him like her own she needs to walk away. Don't make the child suffer for what he cannot control and had no choice over. The ex is not the one that has to give her permission to take the child out of the country, the courts can do that. When you have a child with someone else you learn to compromise and plan your vacations and holidays around everyones schedule. It sounds like your friend needs to move on.
If they want to make this work, your friend is going to have to accept that her boyfriend did not come out of a box the day they met. Everybody has past experiences that shape who they are. She knew he had an ex and a son when she started dating him. If she resents the child and is not ready to accept the fact that he will always have a relationship with his ex for the sake of their son, she needs to either seek counseling to deal with it, or leave. It's that simple. People with children are a package deal, and to accept one, you have to accept the other. Sounds like your friend isn't mature enough for the responsibility of step-mom. She isn't the ';first';, she will never be the first, and she has to accept that or this relationship is doomed.
If she is already having issues with the child and ex then it is never going to work for them.. She will marry him and eventually divorce because she will have problems the whole time. She has to realize that when she met him she new he had a child and she has to accept the child. Believe i know i am a step mom of two
Tell her to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled child. Everyone over the age of eighteen has a past, we all make mistakes in life some stick around for a lot of years, hence children and ex's. I personally think your friend is to young to marry, she needs to experience life and then she will realize that everyone has a past. Good luck.
The thing is, she's going to have to come to terms and accept that he was married, does have a son and will have to maintain a relationship with his ex. These are just the facts.


It sounds like her boyfriend is a great father and she should expect nothing less from him.





The bottom line is that she will either have to learn to deal with these issues or move on. I know that sounds harsh but it's the reality of it.





It's a hard pill to swallow and I know this because I'm married to a man who has 2 kids with his ex-wife. I HATE that he was married and that he shared two children with another woman ( I love the kids though, just hate that they're with his ex ).





She really needs to take some time to herself and decide if this is something she can handle because it's not going to go away or fix itself. Does she want more for herself or is she willing to compromise and settle?
Truthfully... If your friend has these feelings for the child now then it will only get worse. And I can assure you children can and DO pick up on those feelings. Her feelings of resent will progress to worse feelings. (only natural)





If she can't accept the way things are and that BF and child are a package deal, (and includes everything that you've mentioned) then she shouldn't marry this man.





It really does sound like she should be with a man who has no kids or an ex wife, especially if she has such strong feelings of wanting to be the first.








Quick question does the boyfriend know the truth about how she feels toward his child? I'm surprised a ';great dad'; would want to marry someone that has all these negative feelings towards his child.
It is not going to work with your friend's attitude.Her bf does have a son and an ex wife your friend will have to live with and keep her mouth shut or call it quits.Says a lot for her bf that he is part of his son's life.


Jealousy has no place in a serious relationship especially marriage.
well if your friend loves him as much as you say she does, then she needs to learn how to accept that he was with another woman, they had a son together and they now have a relationship because of the son they have together. She needs to be able to fully accept these things before she marries him. Because if she thinks this way now, getting married won't fix her way of thinking it will only get worse. Shes got to decide whats more important holding on to these feelings and making herself miserable and possibly loosing this man. Or let them go and accept that she has no control over what happened in her boyfriends past.
When you get involved with someone who has children, you either have to accept the children or move on. The children aren't going to go away. If she wants to be first, she should find someone more suited to her who hasn't been in a previous relationship that resulted in having children. She'll never be ';first'; with this guy. His priority is his kids as it should be.
Your friend may agree on that she will be free to decide to join or not to the father-son programs. On the other hand, this man spends less time with his son than without him, so you friend and this man will have time enough together. And your friend has to think of that they will have common kid(s) and that is a good point if the husband is a good father.


Marriages can be a bit boring after a while, so when this man will be with his son you friend will have some time to spend how she wants. But they should agree on these points.
Your friend knew about this child and an ex, she is not willing to give or even compromise. This is not a good bases for marriage. The child is innocent, and the ex will always be apart of his life because they have a child together. If she's not ready to give up her freedom she's not ready for marriage at all regardless who's involved.
I'd advise her to get some counseling. If she can't change her attitude, she ought to give herself and this guy a break and let him go. She is bitter about a reality that is not going away, and they can't make it work unless she's supportive - sincerely, not just for show - of his relationship with his child. Who will always come first - someone who wants to be more important to a man than his children has some serious issues. That should never happen.
This won't work for her. She shouldn't have dated him for 18 months if she felt this way. She's free to find a single man without an ex and without children. She is NOT free to make his life miserable or start ';punishing'; the child because she's jealous. This does not sound like love to me.
She is to immature to marry someone if she can't except that his child must come first.The child needs it's parents more than she needs to be in love.If she wants it to work she needs to except that so long as the child is a child they need to come first.She needs to spend as much time as possiable getting to know the child and learn to love it.Also if she wants to marry this man then she must except that she will spend all holidays with this child we can divorce our spouses but not our children.That's just the way it is.She also needs to do the best she can to form a good honest relationship with his ex.Otherwise I believe it is doomed.
His son will always be his first love, as his child, she is his first love as his girlfriend. She needs to lose the bitterness and know that together they will create a healthy environment for his son and she needs to remember she gets more of his time than his son. She can continue to do the holidays as she is currently. She needs to accept that she can handle the circumstances until the child is 18.
Being a child of parents who have each been divorced twice, if your friend isn't willing to make those sacrifices for the man she loves, then she really loves herself more. If you can not love a step-child like your own, the problems will just get worse as the child and the relationship gets older and your resentment over the child will drive a wedge between you. As for the ex-wife. If your friend can't deal with this women always being in her ex-husbands life simply because they have a child together, it won't work either. In this case, loving this man is not enough because you have to be willing to love the child and be willing to accept all the things that come with having a step-child. I would tell her if she cant accept these things, she's making a big mistake.
Here is the illogical part of your details: ';she will lose the freedom to do as she chooses on holidays';. How so? Marriage doesn't mean you have to do everything together. She can still go wherever she likes on those days, and leave the kid and her husband behind. My wife takes the kids for 3-5 day visits to her mom a 6 hour drive away a couple of times a year and I don't go. Works fine for us and it can work fine for them too.
My advice is for her to leave and find another man. Love doesn't conquer all. That is a myth. We are in the real world. This little boy deserves to have every adult in his life love and accept him. To want to do what is best for him. If she wants to be the first then she needs to move on. Her resentment will only build as the child gets older and harder to deal with. Not to mention having to deal with his mother. If she is unhappy now, it will be tenfold after the wedding. I'm not saying she is a bad person. She just can't deal with having a ready made family. A lot of people can't. She is better off ending it now though, before they get married.
She needs to let him go she is not mature enough to be in a relationship especially one with a child. She seems too selfish.
If she love him strong enough, she won't mind he have a son and can't do things she like during holiday.





If she have enough confident in their relationship, she won't feel bittter that her boyfriend have to keep his ex for their child.





Yes, they do love each other more than most others.


But they are still not to the level that they can do marriage.


The level of love still not strong enough.