How regularly/often does your mother call you?

You're in your 30s and live with your partner, not too far from the family home which you grew up in.





How often does your mother call you?





I am seeking context here. My partner's mother phones several times a day and is a control freak who seems unable to let go and let us live our lives without constant interference/detailed questioning about even the smallest things we do.





She wants to know every single detail of my partner's life. She condemns me and any decisions I make constantly and can't even have a civilised conversation with me, without snapping my head off or just being a plain rude, nasty old witch, to put it bluntly. Part of the reason, I suspect, is her strong dislike of me (apparently I ';stole'; her child away from the family home when we moved in together, we're in our 30s! but apparently he was selfish to leave the family home).





She has distorted thinking processes (i.e. insisting that I split the family up since my partner and I moved in together and speculating about my life/family, of which she knows nothing) and is impossibly unreasonable and judgemental (about our private relationship matters that don't concern her). She really is rather vile to me on each and every opportunity she gets, but I don't respond in kind as I do have sympathy for her because I think she either has some kind of alcohol or undiagnosed mental health problem. Either way, she can be quite, quite mad, screaming on the phone late at night, then phoning up all friendly in the morning with no reference whatsoever to the previous night's madness.





I believe she is convinced that she will split us up (has already tried all sorts of other unbelievably manipulative and downright deeply nasty stunts, to no avail) and also she believes that if she splits us up, my partner will go back to live with her in the family home. I am unsure what is behind all this and why she cannot be happy that my partner and I are happy together. She herself, has no partner, no hobbies and seems to be a very bitter, twisted character able to focus only on all of life's negatives and very much a ';glass half empty'; type.





It is like there are 3 people in the relationship. I sometimes wonder if it's better cutting my losses and starting again, which of course would mean allowing her to drive me away, but I can't see any better alternative and living like this is taking it's toll, both on me and our relationship. When my partner gets angry with her, she plays the martyr and insists he ';doesn't care about her'; etc, clearly untrue and we both have suspected for some time that she also may have a drink or mental health problem as she goes into violent/angry rages (having once tried to assault me, had to be held back by my partner) and then the next day, it's as if it's a blackout, which she either can't remember or just pretends didn't happen and she goes back to being pleasant and calm as if nothing's happened!





When she is asked about drinking, she flies into a rage and denies it outright and refuses to seek any form of professional help to assist with moving on and accepting my partner's life with me.





Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated as my partner has no idea how close I am getting to calling it a day, of which the thought is really making me deeply, deeply unhappy.How regularly/often does your mother call you?
Hi there





First of all, you are in an impossible situation. It looks to me from here (based on what you say) that you have been extremely even-handed with this woman and I feel that the evidence of this is that your partner is still with you, and values you, rather than feeling that he is piggy in the middle and has to take sides. This credit (perceived from my viewpoint) goes to you. Another woman (I assume you are female as if not this would require a different approach to your question) would have done something more dramatic about this by now.





This woman is clearly desperately, desperately unhappy with her life and possibly after a lifetime of sacrifice for her child, she now resents his happiness and freedom compared to her own. She possibly feels she's used up all her chances raising her son, who has now cleared off, ungrateful. However sadly as a mother we all know that our child is merely on loan to us, and as they go through late teens and into 20s we get to realise that they will be off soon and that is in fact why we have raised them to be independent and strong. This is nevertheless very very painful for a mother, who has until then been almost exclusively the target of her son's or daughter's love.





However as you suggest this lady appears to have more deep-seated problems - why is she unable to focus on other interests, other hobbies? This seems strange: parents view the departure of a child in 2 ways - despair at the loss and grieving, but also it is the opportunity in later life to pick up a previous life and enjoyment, and see more of the world, have more money etc once the child has gone and is independent. What is stopping her from doing this? Obviously problems.





Having myself also had some degree of what you describe from a mother in law I can't understate how damaging this is to a relationship. Sadly my partner decides frequently to take his mother's view and so I now approach this by keeping well out of her way and he can deal with her hassle.





This woman is not going to change. Is there any way you can have family counselling of some kind - go to your doctor and ask to be referred for Family Therapy. In the context of this a third party might be better placed to explain the norms of family interaction to his mother and to suggest solutions or even refer her for further support. I think she needs counselling but you should all go too so that obviously your contributions are made.





If this does not happen I tend to share your view that you are going to have this on your back for good. Many mothers-in-law are difficult but this woman cannot continue her current behaviour which is abusive to the point I would say of almost legal proportions. She would of course take it out similarly on any other woman, so I don't feel it is personal, and indeed as I've said I think that another woman would have exacerbated the situation by now by telling her where to go, and asking their partner to choose which you have not.





I think you've approached this with every possible rational approach and that you have to reluctantly apply the same perceptiveness and logic to the future of this relationship, for your own good. Are you prepared to have your daily life destroyed in this fashion? Although you love your partner, every day that goes past is another day off your life, one which could instead be shared with in-laws who appreciate your value and even contribute to your happiness?





The only other course of action is for you to cut off all future dealings with this woman and avoid speaking to her or dealing with her in any way, leaving your partner to deal with her himself, and to keep out of it completely, in a gentle and assertive, not aggressive, manner. This is the approach I have taken, and it appears to work. It is after all for your partner to assert to his mother where he stands, possibly asserting also that even if his relationship with you failed, he would not return home, and that his leaving the nest is a permanent thing, not one dependent on yourself. Have you had her round your house in person to discuss this? Perhaps she feels excluded from the physical home which you have made. If she were a more frequent visitor, would this help?





At the end of the day we all have to decide whether we have tried enough with a given situation - job, relationship, anything - and that it is time to consider ourselves above all else and it may be that that time has come for you. Our thoughts are with you. Take care and good luck.How regularly/often does your mother call you?
never... told her the next time i saw her was at her funeral... and i don't think she's dead yet... ;)
OMG it hits close to home. My mom has disasociative disorder so she can literally disasociate herself or feeling from a situation. She calls me about 3x a day now but when me and my husband first got together she would call me like 11x a day. I lived with him 40mins away and she would still call me and ask me if I would take my older brother some pleace because he still lived with her and my step dad. We decided to take my grandmother off of life support yesterday and she seriously told me the wrong time so my husband would not be there. The doctor told me ';Oh I thought at 3pm?';, so I called my mom and she said yes she changed her ming because she only wanted her,me, and my brother there. She said we didn't need my stepdad or my husband. I called both of them anyways because they had the right to support us.


Your partner needs to learn how to tell there mom that she is full of crap or she needs to back off. I have been with my husband for 3yrs (1yr dating, 1 as engaged and a little over a yr of marriage), and it took me about 1yr to learn how to deal with her with his help. For a while she said he stole me but I reminded her and told everyone it was time for me to go.
You have a real problem there!





You know it is really quite noticible that in every paragraph you highlight ';my life, my family, my partner';.





The woman causing you all this distress is mentioned only once as ';my partner's mother'; and that's merely at the beginning to introduce her position. The rest of the time you call her ';she';, as though to remove her from the situation.





Your partner obviously means alot to her still and is still a bit part of her life.





You never mention how he feels about the situation. Does he like to be fought over? Have you ever told him to choose? If so did he or did he dislike you suggesting so? Does she call him three times a day because he encourages her? Does he ever 'not answer', ignore a call or ask her to call later on instead?





You have to accept this man comes with baggage and like it or not if you envisage a future with him you are going to have to unpack that or lugg it around.





Are you and your partner's mother both very stubborn, righteous, intelligent and love your partner very much? It sounds as though this may be the case. Are you maybe much similar people than you have ever realised? Do you think your life would be easier if you found a hobby to do with her?





She wants attention and gratifying that will allow her to want to please you in return. Fight her and you won't win. Good luck with it xxx