What is your opinion?

My ';brother in law'; is in the midst of a nasty custody battle for his little girl - She was born back in March last year, and the mother has pretty much moved on to a new partner.


Well, he was over not to long ago with his daughter, and said something that kind of caught me off guard.





';I'm looking to date again, but the next girl better realize that my baby is number one with me. She comes second, no questions.';





I kinda started thinking about it, and can totally understand with his little girl being so young that he'd feel that way, but kids are pretty smart - They are also pretty possessive as they get older of their mommy and daddy, so if his little princess realizes that she's number one, she could seriously sabatoge any of his relationships as a young kid...





Do you think your kids should come before a spouse or potential spouse? I'm not talking about a fly by night g/f or b/f, I'm talking about the real deal - Your life mate, the one you plan to wake up next to for the next 50 years, have a retirement with, to sit and chat with when your kids have families of their own, etc.





Personally, I don't really know how I feel about it - I'm kind of caught on the age of the child, and the sincerity of the relationship...


What's your opinion?What is your opinion?
I'm married and my husband comes first for the most part. We both tend to put the kids first if they are sick or when they were babies. I guess you could really say we put their needs before our own. If he were to ever abuse my children, however they would come first and he better say his prayers.What is your opinion?
Yeah thats a tricky one i think im going to have to be a fence sitter!
My daughter is #1. Has been since she was born.


I'm still with her father...but if I ever had to kick him out in order to make life better for my child, protect her, or for any reason, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Kid comes first...period!
being a mother i really think that your children come first, but if it is about your life partner then they should be treated equally because sooner or later your children will leave you and have a life of their own so they should both be your #1 priority
I don't know how I feel about it either. On one hand a child is forever and people do get divorced... My daughter is 14 months old and I do put her first to the point its a flaw of mine. I recently made the decision to hire a babysitter so we could go out once a month and keep our marriage on track.





Your spouse is supposed to be #1 and kids are a welcome addition to the family, but its hard to do sometimes.





I think its good for now for his daughter to know she is #1, but once daddy gets serious in a relationship his priorities might shift a tiny bit and they can become equals.
I dont think that parents should tell their child that they have free reign over their relationship but I think there is a healthy way to allow the child to know she is important.
I am with a man that has a 4-year old son from a previous relationship. We are expecting ourselves in June! We have been together for quite some time and it's hard to explain our relationship. I don't want to say he puts any of us ';first';. It's not like that with him. If me and my fiance were together and something happened to his son, we'd both be there in an instant! And if myself, my fiance and his son were all together and something happened to me, my fiance would react immediately as well. If his son could be there depending on the situation then he would, and if not my fiance would make immediate plans for someone to be with is son, or for his mother to get him. Thankfully, his mother and her husband and myself and my fiance all get along rather well and have a nice relationship among each other. This really helps for my fiance's son and it's nice to see that relationships can be built like this, esp. for the child.





I am not for putting anyone first. And, if it's a real life partner and somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with then no, there is no putting anyone first.
They are two completely different kinds of relationships. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and she goes in between us all the time, but her dad knows what she is doing. He loves her and me, and lets both of us know that. He said when I married him that it was not a competition. He is her father, but he is my husband. Fathers do not need to let their children ruin a potentially great relationship. Everybody will eventually have to get along.
I think it depends on the situation. They should definitely be more important sometimes, but sometimes not.
I think it's hard to answer this. Kids are on a different level than significant others. Looking at my parents relationship I see that with my dad we (kids) come first. Looking at my sister and her child he (the kid) definitely comes first. What single parents need to make their kids realize is that they will date and that there has to be room for someone else in their life too. But dating life should be kept separate. I don't have kids that's just how I feel. And his daughter will have been in his life for longer than any other woman that comes in at this point so whoever comes in has to realize that she's coming into a family, not just a man. Kids come first to a lot of parents, the relationship needs to be established and maybe he shouldn't treat her like a princess and actually lay down ground rules and discipline like we had when I was a kid.
YES they come before any one. If I had to choose between my boys and my husband it would be my boys no questions asked. And my husband is the greatest and the only person who was always there for me. And I also feel that if this spouse of his (or soon to be or what ever) cannot understand and except that his daughter is 1st then she is not the ';real deal'; or ';the right one'; for him. I also think that your in law is an amazing man and no hands down should have at least part custody of his little girl. There are not many men out there who feel this way.
yes. she's my baby, my flesh and blood. until she's an adult, I think she will always come first. she cant fend for herself yet. even when shes 12, she will still come first. until she's out of the house and in her own life, will i put a man first before my own child, and it has to be a very good man at that!
Hmm, that's tough and I guess it could be looked at differently with every child.





My mom and dad divorced when my brother was 4 and I was 10 months. From as early as I can remember my dad made it clear no matter how many women he dated my brother and I were his ';number ones';....and that he loved us more than anything in the world. That being said, my father dated a pretty good bit, especially while we were younger, and neither my brother nor myself ever felt compelled to sabotage his relationship. I feel my dad showed us enough love even while he was with other women for both of us to feel comfortable with her and not feel pushed aside or less loved. I can, however, understand some children that might feel that way given their own personalities and the child/parent relationship as a whole.





I love my partner and I love my daughter but to compare to each which is more, is hard. It's a different love I have for my daughter compared to the love I have for her father, so to do that would almost be impossible for me.
I talked about it with my husband before because his mom dated a lot of guys when he was growing up. ( I mean not a lot lot but several, some serious some not)


I think that young children come first, even in our relationship our kids needs come first. Like if we had plans but someone is sick, we cancel and stay home to take care of the kid, if there is a school play etc we go etc..


If I had to start dating I would put my kids first in a way, not that they would have a say who I would date but if you date me you pretty much date my kids too so if you arent nice to them, I wouldnt go out with you and stuff like that.


But you are right, kids are smart and can try to use stuff like that so I wouldnt be announcing it to everyone, just keeping it for myself
My hubby the father of both of my children comes first. My kids also come first. A future partner if there ever was one would not come before my kids. I would never put anyone before my relationships with my family. I met and fell in love with my husband before we had kids. I also have unstoppable love for my babies. I would let no harm come to either. But if there was a future mate they would have to understand that my kids come first and if he had kids I would Expect the same from him.
Your children ALWAYS come before your needs, and that includes your ';need'; to have a partner. You can't trust that you will wake up to that same person for the next 50 years and someone who already has children with someone else knows that, whereas your children always count on you. Even when your children are out of the house and starting their own family: they are the most important thing to you.
Kids come first ALWAYS
This situation I think is different from the perceived ';normal family,'; where the father of child is married or at least with the mother of the child. In that case, I think the marital relationship should come first. This is because the father needs to take of the mother so that she in return can take of the child. Kind of like the old saying, ';if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.'; The child is of course a very close second.





But in this case, where the child already has a mother, the father's time should be more concentrated toward his child than another woman, not the mother of his child. He is probably going with his heart on this one because he most likely put the child's mother first in their relationship and watched it turn sour at the expense of the child and does not want that to happen again. He therefore puts his child first this time because she will always be in his life.
Honestly My whole life is my husband and my daughter. We are a family, and if for some reason we break, My whole life becomes my DAUGHTER. Future spouse or not I already made a comitment BEFORE i got with the future spouse when I gave birth to my daughter, Thats just how i see it.


BUT im also one of those woman who if my husband and I dont make it, Im happy without a man, sure i will be lonely sometimes but i wont be out looking for other men at all. I have more important things in my life to keep me happy. thats just how i see it :)





EDIT: Alyssa's mom nailed on the head with this ';Your spouse is supposed to be #1 and kids are a welcome addition to the family, but its hard to do sometimes.';





That is something so true but SO HARD that a woman, let alone a MOTHER has to go through, Because our children are OUR hearts and its hard to share them with someone else (their father) and its hard because sometimes we have to back away and let the father help raise the children too.
Hey Mama Lisee Loo!


The situation isn't ideal. Ideally we stay with the parents of our children. I have first hand experience with this as I come from a broken home with parents that are both remarried. It's really tough on the spouses as well as the children. And yes making her ';Daddies little princess'; could take its toll on any of his relationships, but it doesn't sound like he's looking to date seriously, and women that are in it for a casual time may not mind being second. However, I know that if I were to split with my fiance, as selfish as it sounds I'd want to rake just as high on the list as his children. So to answer your question, ultimately no children should not come before a long term spouse. They should all be prioritized and included. The best thing he can do is to include his little girl on dates, and visa versa, include his spouse on his dates with his daughter. I don't think there's any black/white answer to this one, the areas in between are very grey.


I'd always want to be included (heaven forbid I split with my fiance) and on the other hand I'd probably always put my son first if embarking down the road in a new relationship.... it just would feel unnatural to do anything else, considering he's my flesh and blood.
I would hope he'd temper those feelings (which is great, BTW!) with a healthy dose of discipline, too. People should put their kids first - that's why you have wackos like Susan Smith and Casey Anthony running around who kill their kids because of some dumb man. Or put up with a man who doesn't like their kids. I can't understand that crap.





I think as long as he raises her with expectations of her behavior and sets limits, just like anyone else would, it's okay for her to be first in his life, and that's nice. Not everyone feels that strongly about their kids when it comes to romantic relationships, and maybe they should.
I think if the child is there before a relationship start (as per with your brother in law) then i think yes, the child should come first. But in a relationship like mine (my fiance and i had our baby together) then they are equal in my eyes and i would not favour one over the other.


If my fiance and i wer to break up then she would absoluely come first, no question there.
No. Your spouse comes first always. This is even in the bible.





Genesis 2:24


For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.





Your children will move on your spouse does not.





When you put your spouse first your children learn from this and are able to apply this in their own lives later down the road.
I definitely put my daughter first before my fiance. To him, our daughter comes first, I come second. It is a mutual understanding and we never felt like she comes in between us. We just want the best for her and if she is happy than we are happy.
Men (or women) come and go and kids are forever. And as much as my little one comes before my husband for me, she comes first when it comes to me for my husband. And that is right. And normal person would not even be jealous. And kids have to know that they come first.
I was 14 years old when my mom married my stepdad. This situation is not so easy and clear cut as it seems. It depends on a lot of things. For instance how the other person treats the child, or how old the kid is when the person becomes involved. Using myself as an example: I was 14 and had already spent the last 5 years without a dad. I was absolutely ok with my mom getting married but when my stepdad started trying to put rules on me and talk to me rudely as if he had known me all my life and he had a right to, that was the dealbreaker and he seriously came between me and my mother, which in my opinion; the relationship between me and my mom is more important that the one he has with her. My mom rejected me because she didn't understand that by disliking him I wasn't trying to come between her and Matt; I just thought that he should have had to form a relationship as a father with me before he had the right to order me around. So my mother didn't consider me above him and it drove me far, far away from her. To this day it still does. And it still hurts.





Just because the child's well being is above all else doesn't mean a good balance can't be found. There is a solution to everything on this earth. However if I had to sacrifice my happiness for that of my child I would do it in a heartbeat.
Well I'm a little torn onthis one.


I guess when they're very little they should come first, but as they get older you have to start giving the attention back to your so and let your child know you still love them just as much and will never stop, but it's time to have time with the other parent or stepparent.
I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was, maybe, 6 months old, so I don't know any other dad besides my step dad. My brother and I did spend every other weekend with my real dad and step mom, but my dad, is my step father. My mom has always had a special relationship with my brother and I. She never openly told us that we came/come first but I really do believe that we always have and will. I highly doubt she ever told my dad that though as she has a different kind of love for him than she does for her children.





The best thing I've ever heard, to best suit your question, was one time at a business meeting. Our friend, Jeremy, was talking about a time when he was younger and he was so mad at his mom that he shoved her and she hit against a wall and slightly hurt herself. When Jeremy's dad got home, his mom told his dad what had happened. His dad went outside and asked his son, ';Why did you shove your mom?'; Jeremy said, ';She's my mom. I can shove her if I want to.'; To which his dad replied, ';She's your mom BUT she's MY wife and I will do anything in my power to protect her.';





I agree with you that his daughter, if she doesn't like the new girlfriend, will do her best to sabotage the new relationship. I think it'd be okay to let his girlfriend know that his little girl comes first, but not to tell his little girl that. She may take that into extremes and it might come back to bite him in the a$s.








Did any of this make sense??


:)











~_~
Alright, here comes my cynical, realistic, personal experience side. Yes, your child comes first. Because...in my life at least the waking up for the next 50years kind of relationship does not exist. If they are my soul mate or whatever they can take things on my terms and go as slowly as necessary for the comfort of myself and my child. Since I don't believe that is likely they will probably leave saving me the trouble of ditching them later when I realize what a jerk they really are. I wouldn't trust anyone I met or even fell in love with enough to ever put them equal or above my child. Just wouldn't happen. That said, if my child had a malicious streak and just wanted to break me up with anyone and everyone I'd have some serious talks with them about it.
sure