Help! How do I deal with a mother in law who is controlling my life?

Examples of how my mother in law is causing me stress (and my family) and her influence over my hubby:

- she gives us things ie. money for wedding and expects to have total control and say over all decicions

- she wanted me to replace my bridemaide because she didn't like them

- She expected my mum without even asking her to wear a long gown to the floor because it one of her traditions

- She does things that in all honesty are helpful, but then expects to have final say about other things i.e. ';having our car blessed'; and then if we disagree she has a hissy fit and argues with my hubby unti lshe eventually gets own way

- my hubby is aware of her controlling nature but still feels his parents are better than mine because all they do is give us things. (very materialistic)

- My paretns are worried that I will always have to do things his mothers way which will eventually involve me always being with my hubbys family and not with my own





What can I do? I've tried talking to my hubby about these things but it always comes back to his paretns vs my parents. He never wants to spend time with mine and yet I am always expected to go to his family events and put up with his mum coming over just casue they live closer to us. I don;t want our marriage to suffer but it is. Our baby girl is due any day now and I feel I need to try and sort this out, becasue as far as my mother in law is concerned, she feels she is the only ';grandparent'; and thinks she should get asked first for all baby sitting over my mum. I don't want to say this but i'm affraid i'm really starting to hate her...



Any advice!



Also, everyone knows she is a control freak even her. Her works mates always joke and laugh and say i hope you know its all about your mother in law. Everyone knows but they just put up with her becasue if you say anything she makes a scene and doesn't talk to you until she gets her own way - so immature.Help! How do I deal with a mother in law who is controlling my life?
We all have choices. The key is making the right ones. Nobody makes them for us. We make them. If you want to make choices because you want to please her or shut her up, that's your fault. Nobody controls us.Help! How do I deal with a mother in law who is controlling my life?
YOu can only be controlled if you allow yourself to be.

If you don't want to be controlled then, don't be. You can take a stand aand be respectful at the same time.
I would set my own rules and play by them. I'd refuse anything from the MIL, would refuse to see hubby's side of the family and would make it a point to visit mine. And I'd tell hubby he can go with me to visit my family but he better respect them or I will raise hell with him. I would let him know hell will freeze over first before his mother is going to babysit my kid and next time she stopped by for a visit, she will have wasted her time and gas for nothing because I do not open my door to her. If he don't like it, he can go live with his mother.
I have noticed that generally men who have controlling mothers struggle with standing up to them. They also take their mother side if you speak against his mother. So, the more you speak against his mother, the more your partner will oppose you, which causes more division.

My suggestion is to first back down with your partner, apologise to him for getting your back up against his mum. Your partner wants to know you want to be part of his family as much as you want him to be part of your family.

It is frustrating dealing with a controlling person, it is very challenging and energy consuming. The last thing you want is this battle. You need to discern which battles are important to fight and which ones you can simply let go of or work around.

for example; your MIL expecting your mom to dress a certain way does not have to be your argument. Your mom is an adult and she can wear what she wants. You don't need to speak or answer to your MIL about that. You can simply let her have her say, say nothing back and leave it there.



Arguing about who's parents are better is just lack of maturity. No need, a simple - ';lets love and appreciate both parents.'; can quieten that fued.



You have more strength if you try and win your partner and his family over with love. Try not to keep score of who visits who and how often. It will do your head in. Let it go, it's not worth it.



Allow your MIL to think she has priority and preference to baby sitting if thats what makes her feel good and if it provides you with a sitter when you need it. No need to quarrel about it. And you are free to ask your mom when you want and as often as you want, to baby sit for you. You can have what you want and your MIL can have what she wants. It's ok here.



I am breaking this down for you cause I sense that this build up is what has increased your stress. A controlling person can be quite intimidating and it is easy to start getting your back up and opposing them.



The two major issues you presented were at the beginning about her wanting you to change the bridesmaid (challenging) and her wanting to make all the decisions about your wedding.



These issues, I think are areas that you do need to talk (not argue) about with your partner. Ask him what he thinks and how he feels about these issues. Work with him in a joint agreement about what you both want. Then allow your partner, with your support to talk to your MIL. - With love.



Good Luck, I hope this helps.
Tell her to stay the hell away from you and your baby. Your mum is the BLOOD grandparent first not that other grandmother( the BIT*H)

I hate my mother in law to.

That is the best revenmge to keep your baby away from her, just say that you feel to insecure to let any one hold her or babysit. And just let your mum do it.

Tell your hubby that you love yourmum as much as her loves his and that it is not fair that you dont get to see your mum as much as he sees his mum.

you will have ababy soon i wouldnt put up with it, Hopefully one day soon i will have a child to use agaisnt my mother in law

Go to motherinlawfromhell.com

it is sooooooo good
Actually it's immature that you give her her own way. Stand your ground. You're an adult and soon to be a mother. If she makes a scene, usher her out the door, tell her to call when she calms down and that's it. This is only difficult if you allow it to be.



When she gives you things like money...yes, she should have a partial say. Money is money and if someone provides you with something that big, I would hope you showed some gratitude and allowed her some say....to run the whole show? No. You tell her no and stand your ground. Period.



Too bad she didn't like your bridesmaid. I hope you kept the one you wanted.



She is entitled to her traditions but she needs to learn that others aren't that way...and you need to learn not to care what she thinks or wants.



Having your car blessed....that is a personal thing between you and your husband and your beliefs. That is not her business. Too bad if she has a fit. Let her have one and walk away.



You knew your husband came from a materialistic home-life before you married him so it shouldn't surprise you at all. You get what you married.



I don't know why your parents should worry. Don't they have faith in you to take care of yourself and say no?



Did it ever occur to you that the reason why she has tantrums and makes everything about her is because people allow it to happen?



Well, if you want it to stop, you need to put your foot down. Say no. Usher her out the door or hang up the phone and explain that you don't want to hear the dramatics or what she believes she is entitled to. If she continued the behaviour, do not let her get away with it. Spend time with your family as much as you want.....they are your family.



If your husband has trouble with this then I suggest you go to counseling immediately.



As for the mother in law wanting to be ';the'; grandparent...again....it's your child! You tell her NO!.
you know in your heart that you two are going to be fighting constantly and he is always going to take his mothers side. I say tell her off and your husband is going to get mad but you are going to get sick and tired of all this and it is probably going to end up ruining your marriage my husband never really socializes with my family I made a mistake on that factor but now I don't care I never visit his family if I have to because they think they are better than everyone else. Your parents are right but you keep fighting for yourself and your baby don't let them make your family less than they are my family are honest to decent people who are right now out of work because of illness and the economy. my daughters have married into the same situation that's the sad part when you have recovered from having the baby tell the ***** off and if your husband don't like it get a lawyer and divorce him and take him to the cleaners because he chose mommy over you and I wouldn't accept anything from her unless you have to
The main problem here is your husband. He's supposed to listen to your concerns, not brush them off and claim his family is better or whatever it is. Your mother in law is obviously invading your space and your husband is letting it happen. It will only get worse with the coming of the grandchild.



You need to set things clear with your husband. Your husband needs to decide who is he going to be loyal to, you (the family he chose) or his mother (the family he came from). He can't be loyal to both because your needs clash. There can only be one main woman in a man's life, when he gets married, the mother takes second seat.



If you don't fix this problem, good luck with your marriage. You will find yourself extremely frustrated and anxious about this matter more and more with time.
omg I am in deepest sympathy with you..What nationality is this woman??



Ok I have similar issues my husband thuinks his controlling parents are god.He cant even think for him self.

He use to and i say use to ring 3 people first to make a decision his mum his father and then his sister.These decisions were between me and him not these people.

My mil would get information out of me and use it against me and tell everybody in the family and anyone is ear shot of her ------i am an extermely private and trusting person.this of course pisses me off.

i wont go on and on but i will tell you the out come it all came to a head when i was pregnant with my second and my husband wanted me to abort it of course he consulted with his family first before he told me and his reason was becuase we had an unstable marriage ie becuase of his family.....they were all blind to this even my husband.i ended up leaving my husband for 4 days not long but enough to show him and his stupid family im not mucking around here ,you cant control people and you cant control me.it took something really serious to m,ake astand.his mother blasted me and i have little to do with her.his fathert i am very rude to and i cut him to pieces with words when he says something stuip which is every other sentence.



i do have to see them becuase its my husbands family but i dont make it easy.as your mil is im sure give an inch and she will take the mile.



you need to shove your parents into your husnads face and you in laws.you have to get your mum on the sence..

all you have to do is talk up your mum amd dad and say how suipportive they are as if you had no money in the world you have their unconditional love.that is what you are going to teach your child that money is the root of all evil..just keep talking things up that piss you off about her and what she does----but turn it into lessons that you are going to teach your child becuase you feel its wrong.you will eventually piss her off she will go behind your back to your husband and he is the one who needs to choose. not you--- him..after all of this it comes down to him-- dont ever forget it..he chose you as his partner .he has moved out of home and i would be telling him to stop accepting money handouts to,



im sorry it gets worse when the baby comes and it will be a long time before its sorted out becuase you cant just tell her to her face..you need to play it out but your husbands support is everything..no one can really comment unless they havbe been there.no good someone saying stand up to her ..it doesnt work that way I know..its been 9 years for me and it reached its breaking point 3 years ago..let me know how you go i feel for you...i understand



Im just reading others answers they dont get it.you can be controlled by controlling people becuase they are master manipulators..these people clearly have never been controlled by these masters