How do you deal with a mother in law that makes your life miserable and a hubby that puts her needs first?

We've been married for 7 years now and honestly our biggest fights (nasty ones) have been when it is regarding his mom. She puts her nose every where and refuses to take a no for an answer. I hadn't seen my husband for about a week since he'd been working a lot lately and when the weekend came around ( only Sunday) she calls him and demands he go with her on this long drive because she will get bored other wise. I beged him to spend time with us instead since we missed him ( me and my daughter). He sugested to her she take this trip another time, maby next week, but she convinced him they go on with her plan. I was so hurt and angry that I told him how could he put her needs first ( even though this was not an emergency, she just wanted to go shoping in a different city). He turned around and told me I was in a compettion with her........This is not the first time my mother in law causes us a huge fight .It happens all the time ..Please tell me what am I doing wrong..?How do you deal with a mother in law that makes your life miserable and a hubby that puts her needs first?
Your not doing anything wrong. Your husband has to realize that he is married to you not his mother. Your mother in law needs to remember that as well. Spending a week away from your hubby is hard enough without her stealing him away from you. He needs to choose between you and your daughter or his mother. The umbilical cord was cut when he was born, she needs to let him go and he needs to get His priorities strait.How do you deal with a mother in law that makes your life miserable and a hubby that puts her needs first?
I think you should email advice_4you@live.com This person is incredible. you just tell her your problem and she will give you advice. She has helped me a lot!
She doesn't like, she is trying to make you break up. And you have a mama's boy for a husband.
im sorry:[ i think that your husband is a mommas boy. there are a lot of them out there. i bet it hurts u...i would be too if the husband i thought loved me more than anyone picked someone elses side instead of my own. you need to tell him that if he loves u, he should be there foor you. there can be other people to take ur mother in law out but there cant be another husband...if he understands, he will listen to you. dont be angry when you tlak to him though. tell him that you know its hard to choose but u would like it if he did something with u...and say that u hate the fights that you have regarding your mother in law. it is jsut ruining the love you guys have. it can get too far and you dont want anyhting horrible to happen. marrgiage is about love and some fights to go with it. but if your marriage is all fighting, there is no room for any peace and the reason you guys got married. i hope that he understands what you are tryign to tell him.i hope this helped u. good luck!!!
Believe me I know exactly how you feel!


My husbands mother was always in our business not the way yours is but in different ways.


She would call him and give guilt trips on why he doesn't call her anymore or come over to see her and she would play the your wife is taking you away from me card.


Well I never made a big deal until he would come after me say that she thinks I hate her.


I mean just because I couldn't call her every day every hour does not mean I hate her.


This went on for years and I just told him '; If you wanted to be married to your mother you should have married her not me. Either you put our family first or leave because our family needs a Dad that is committed to their mom.';


He finally figured what his mom was up to and started putting her in her place.


Its hard though until he realizes that his mom is putting a wedge in your marriage and he is going to have to figure that out.


Though I will tell you that even if it doesn't seem this way now you must have a pretty good husband the momma boys always are if you can get them away from their moms.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong...


Your husband is obviously putting his mother before his wife and child. Maybe you should just plan to go do something, if he goes he goes....and if not you and your child went somewhere and had a great time instead of sitting at home upset. Whenever he chooses to go with his mom instead...you need to go spend the day doing something with your child. Maybe he'll figure out that he's missing out on his family...and if not, making he needs a bigger lesson in spending time with his mom!
It is an age old problem, and something you are not likely going to be able to change. You can salve yourself with the knowledge that she won't always be there. (small consulation I know). You could have invited yourself and your daughter to the shopping trip. Hence making it a family outing and giving you some time with him. She might not have been happy about it as you would be eating into her one-on-one time with her son, but it would also send the message that you will not sit in the backseat either.





These mothers are unable to cut the apron string and are actually to be pitied because they gave themselves over to living viacariously through their children rather than developing a life for themselves. Once the child marries they feel bewildered and non-essential. They feel they have no purpose, so they cling to the person or persons who give their life meaning.





By putting your husband in a position where he feels torn and required to choose, he becomes defensive. It will only drive a wedge between the two of you which eventually will become too wide for you both to cross. You cannot compete with his mother. She raised him and is great at pushing the correct buttons. Find fun things you can do with your daughter. Stop dwelling on something you cannot change. All it is doing is making you feel insufficient. We are woman hear us roar. Let him spend all his time running errands and be at her beck and call. When he notices that you and your daughter are going on with life without him, he will figure out on his own who is getting the short end of the stick.





The harder you push, the more he will push back. So stop pushing. That will throw them both for a loop. I know that my advice is easier said than done, but if you love him and don't want to lose him, you will have to start including mother-in-law as well as become adept at spending quality time just you and your daughter. Things will slowly revolve to how they are supposed to be.
Take yourself and your husband out of the picture for a minute and substitute a generic man and woman who are married to each other. Now look at things from the man's point of view. He's been away working all week and is probably looking forward to a nice relaxing day off with his family. His mother calls and plays the guilt card. So he agrees to her ';need'; and puts himself aside. The wife has been missing her husband all week and was looking forward to some family time on Sunday. But that gets blown out of the water by the ';meddling mother in law';. Now the wife complains to the husband, he tries to get the mother to change her plan and he ends up caught in the middle trying to please two women who each want what they want. Neither is willing to compromise. He, on the other hand, just wants to relax on his one day off. So because neither woman is willing to compromise, everyone loses. The mother will get her escort but he'll be grumpy. The wife will sit at home resenting the mother in law and now the husband because ';he puts mom first';. The husband has to schlepp his mom around when all he wanted was a nice relaxing day.





This is a lose-lose-lose situation. What can you do to help turn it into a win-win? Maybe he takes his Mom shopping for a couple of hours and you get to spend a nice relaxing evening with him and your daughter. Or maybe you help recruit someone else to go with Mom so she won't get bored. That would free him up and you both get to spend time together.





If all your worst arguments are about his mother, I have to agree with your husband. There is a competition going on there but I don't think it's all one sided. Your mother in law knows what she's doing. Your husband is trying to please everyone and that's not working for him either.





You asked what you're doing wrong. This is about communication. It's understandable that you want your husband's time. As his wife of 7 years, you should probably come first in his book before his mother. But she's still got a hold on him. From what you describe, it sounds like she uses the guilt card and she knows just what buttons to push with him. He needs to learn to set some stronger boundaries with his mom and you need to learn how to make his needs just as important to you as your own.





When you start to see situations like this arise, stop yourself and step back for a minute. Ask yourself if your needs are so imortant that you need to argue about it. Ask yourself about your mother in laws motivations. Do you believe she's deliberately trying to cause trouble between you and your husband? Do you reach out to her to include her as part of the family or do you keep her at arm's length only seeing her when absolutely necessary? When you find yourself staunchly defening your point of view, that's the time to ask yourself if they have a valid point as well. Is there anyting you can do differently to perhaps find a compromise so everyone gets a little of what they want instead of one person getting it all. Are you able to communicate with your mother in law in a friendly way? If not, you may want to work on reaching out to her. Not knowing the background, it's possible she may feel resentful of you. She may feel like you took her son away and she'll do whatever it takes to keep from losing him. You never know what's going on in someone's mind. If you make an attempt to make peace with your mother in law and help her feel like you accept her, she may back off a little. Either way, you and your husband have to learn how to communicate better with each other so you're not always fighting over her.





There are two books I'd like to recommend to you. First, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray - this is an excellent book that talks about how men and women communicate very differently and how to fix some of the issues. The other book is Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten - it talks about setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself. If you can get your husband to read them both along with you they will be that much more helpful. If not, you at least will learn new ways to do things and you can help him learn by watching you.





By the way, what you're doing RIGHT is trying to find a solution to this on-going problem. Congratulations for taking action.
my hubby was a mama's boy too and I had to make him basically choose. I hated it, but she treated me like dirt and treated him like a breakable king. We lived by her and I told hubby I was moving and if he wanted to he could come with me. He did and things got better. I don't answer the phone when she calls and he's not here. I don't let her deep love for my hubby's x-wife disturb me anymore. I don't even go with him most of the time when he goes to see her and when I do go, I hang out with the rest of his family b/c they are awesome. You need distance. You need to let the communication only be between the two of them and he needs to put you first. Mama's boys are heartbreak and I would never have another, but adore my hubby now that he is away from her. He's my best friend =0)
u need to teach ur momma's boy how to behave like a man. what he did was down right unforgivable! how could he? and his mother? doesn't she have other kids?
Your not doing anything wrong your husband is. He has a choice and can say no to his mother. The same way he says no to you. There is no reason that he can not spend time with his family ( you %26amp; daughter) with out being told he needs to. Regarless of your mother in laws demands and requests he is the problem not her. Rather then fight with your husband over this I would let him go, if he is not looking to spend time with you it is not about his mother the real question is why is he avoiding his own family? Please understand I am not defending his mother's behavior but if it was not her as an excuess it would be something else. I would find out what his reasoning is and why he either can't say no to her or won't say no.
i understand your pain. i too have monster in law and she stops at nothing to get what she wants. she is really playing no holds bar right now. sometimes okay all of the time she is very vindictive. she was rude to me on the phone and i told her to call back later and talk to her son because he was sleeping. she insisted and told me to get over it. basically she doesn't care if we argue or fight. i pretty much called her every vile name i could think of. i was in my own home and i believed i was aloud to vent. that started world war three. like i said it is no holds bar on her end and she has made it clear that she will stop at nothing to make sure my husband and i are divorced. she has even gone as far as having his ex girlfriend call our home and declare she slept with him. of course it is not true. but hell will freeze over before he will stand up to his mommy. i too married a momma boy and her feelings come before mine and our 9 month old. she could care less if my daughter grows up in a broken home. the only thing i can tell you is that you need to stand your ground. tell your husband he married you not his mother and you have a family= it is time to cut the apron strings.