Trying to get him to get help, but his Mother working against me. How would you handle it?

My husband is an alcoholic. We've been married almost 8 years and have three kids under 7. I left once before in hopes of him getting the treatment he needs, but he didn't and I was stupid and weak and went back prematurely. Well, here we are almost 2 years later and I moved me and the kids out again. This wasn't a hasty angry move. I told him 4000 times that I love him, but that I won't live with the drinking any longer. I have set up strict guidelines, including counseling, AA, and marriage counseling, before I will move home. I really want our marriage to work, but having grown up with an alcoholic Father and moving on to a husband with the same issues, I'm done dealing with the drinking.





For the first time in our marriage, he has agreed to get some help, even though he still feels he doesn't need it. I have prayed, talked to our pastor, a counselor, and read about alcoholism and the role I have played extensively. I am committed to my decision to try to work this out. My problem is his Mother. She has been telling him that she is mad at my parents for encouraging us to move out. She is also mad that my parents have made it easy to move in with them. Truth is, if my parents weren't here, I would have moved to a shelter. Also, it's true that my parents don't like to watch me getting hurt and dealing with the abuse. BUT, and the big but is, this is all my choice. I hate that his Mother is putting these thoughts in his head. She says I should have stayed and worked things out. She knows he's an alcoholic, she's even taken part in an intervention a couple years back. She knows he is in trouble.





I feel like I'm the only one here putting my foot down about trying to get him well. Why is she trying to work against me??? Why wouldn't you want to see your child get well. I can always tell when he's talked with her because he's more angry with me and my parent's who have nothing to do with our marriage.





How should I handle his Mother. I'm planning on asking him why he hasn't ';corrected'; her thoughts and just tell her the truth that I have been trying to work on this ';from home'; with no response. What would you do?Trying to get him to get help, but his Mother working against me. How would you handle it?
ok, his mom needs to stfu, he's an alcoholic, and if he's abusing you you don't need to take that. You did the right thing moving out, and your parents did the right thing allowing you to move back with them, ask his mother this, if you were beating her son and getting drunk all the time and generally didn't give a flying **** about anything would she not want him to leave, would she not help him avoid whatever pain possible, she's angry because her son is hurt, but it is his own fault for making the choices he makes. She needs to grow up and realize that you are adults and she shouldn't be spewing this bullshit.Trying to get him to get help, but his Mother working against me. How would you handle it?
Tell his mother to stay out of your marriage! Reason with her and tell her you are only trying to help her son get sober and if she wants the best for him she will stop bad mouthing your parents and join forces with you to help her son get the help he clearly needs.
Alcoholism has very strong tendencies to occur along family lines; his abuse is part and parcel with his experience with his mother growing up, when she likely taught him that alcohol as a coping mechanism works for everyday life.





It sounds like she and him have a toxic relationship given both their propensity to drink, ans that's a cycle that will only truly break if both of them get treatment. Barring that, he needs to be cut off from her and her little ';alcoholic'; worldview. If your husband can't start living for his children and his family now, you're better off just moving on.
All the meddling and '; intervention '; is a waste of effort and only makes things worse.


Your '; strict rules and guidelines'; aren't going to get him sober.





People don't get sober because they are harassed and tortured , they get sober when they decide they have had enough.





You go to Alanon and stay and hope for the best , or you bail .
From Experience. You will never get him to change. An alcoholic will never admit he has a problem and everything is in your head. Tell Mama to keep her nose in her own business, she has done enough damage to her son by babying him and coddling him. For the sake of the children, don't go back, it is not good for them to see or hear the fights and it does not help your disposition with the kids or him. Get yourself some help and let him sink or swim. There is more fish in the sea than him and you need peace and love and contentment to raise those children. Good luck and God Bless.
Use YOUR parents and get out today. Make sure you have everything necessary so you don't have to go back. Wait until he is out of the house then do it. Move the kids necessary stuff they will cry and whine but so be it. You know best.





Don't be listening to his parents. They are on his side and part of his problem is being enabled by them and others. Don't listen to them.





You need to move on. I was 12 yrs old and packed up a bag for me and a bag for my 8 yr old brother and called Family Services to come get us. Mom was a raging alcoholic and I knew at that age we deserved better in life. We did go into afew foster homes during our growing up stage but honestly it was a heck of alot better than living with her. Same for you. Your the adult in this and you must stick to it and don't backslide. Even when he ';half-heartedly'; goes to AA don't be fooled and move you and the kids back don't do it!! Leave him alone to make an honest to goodness change. I did go back many years later to see my mother but she still hadn't changed. Even after losing her kids she wanted the liquor more. Please move on now. Good luck!!
This is the oldest war in the history of man. Mother and daughter-in-law war and so i will not get involved in that cross-fire. Alcoholism is a sickness and it needs time to rectify. Just curious, did your dad leave the bottle? But you still love him regardless, right? Should be the same with your husband. You could try soft diplomacy, like no alcohol in the house, set the times for him to come home, like past such a time, no opening of the doors, control finances, reward for good behavior, punish when a rule has been broken like deny meals etc. It should work if you are patient and willing to help your husband. Be creative.
If it weren't his mom telling him these things, it would be another enabler telling him these same things. As long as alcohol is more important to him, he will seek the counsel of people who will justify his continued drinking. He hasn't corrected mommy dearest because she is telling him what he wants to hear. Once his mom stops telling him that it is your fault, etc., one of his drinking buddies will tell him this.





You can love him all you want and talk to him until you are blue in the face. However, alcohol is more important to him than you or your children. That's what alcoholism does. Loving someone enough does not make them well.





In the meanwhile, start to rebuild your life and continue going to Alanon and refuse to get back together with him unless he is 6 months sober and is going routinely to AA meetings, etc. And if rebuilding your life means cutting your losses and moving on, then that is what you have to do.
The answer is simple: don't bother what his mother says or do. Unless if you talk to her and show her he has a problem (show her in such a way she can't deny the problem any longer), then you can't do much about it. You need to work with your husband, not his mom.





If he listens to his mom and doesn't get help or something, then don't argue with his mom, just tell him ';If you want me to come back, then get the help I asked you to get even if your mom disagrees';.





Just tell him you won't come back until he got the help you want him to get. If he says he doesn't have a problem, tell him that if a psychiatrist tells him he doesn't have a problem, then you will come back.


However, you should consider going to sessions with him, to show you support him. You don't have to be home until he gets better, but you should show support when he gets help. This will show you truly think he has a problem.


By going to sessions with him, he'll see you are also ';wasting'; your time for this. If you don't go, your husband could start thinking you are trying to get rid of him and that could reinforce his thought that he does not have a problem.





I can not stress enough how important it is for relatives to go to sessions when somebody is getting help or therapy. Even if you wait in a waiting room, it's important that you go and WAIT (do not go and do something else in the mean time).


From personal experience, I can tell you it is very difficult when your family sends you out to see a psychologist while they stay home or go out somewhere. It feels like they expect you to take care of your problem on your own while they stick to their own lives and don't care about you.


So if your husband is willing to get help, encourage him and help him by being supportive, but don't yield to him until he has gotten all the help he needs.





Also, just a thought, if I may: are you sure he has a problem? You said your father was an alcoholic, so maybe because of your experience you are over-reacting to your husbands drinking? Is that possible, have you thought about it?


I'm not saying for sure that you are over-reacting, I'm just advising you to think about this possibility and be sure your husband does have a problem before insisting that he gets help.





Good luck to you, I hope you can fix your marriage. It's great that you try, many people give up fast these days.
She's controlling him and has no regards to what you say. She has disrespected you %26amp; butted-in for the last time! Call her and tell her yourself to mind her flippin business. This is YOUR husband, NOT her little boy. She feels you don't rate because you didn't suffer thru this at home. She did but that's the decision she made. You did the right thing by moving out until he conforms. TELL HER.
take bold decision ya why always problems